This post is going to be really personal, but it’s something that I feel like I just need to get out. It’s weighing really heavy on me and I think just’s getting it onto “paper” and hearing your thoughts might possibly help. My relationship with my father has slowly been changing and I just don’t like it. I don’t like my dad, but I love him. Does that make sense?
Back up on my family history. My parents divorced when I was 11. They remarried each other at 12 and then divorced for the last time at 13. After that, I never lived with my dad again. Our relationship consisted of dinners, sporting events, and vacations. (We got to go on some incredible vacations together–road trip through the Western half of the US, Italy, Hawaii, Mexico, Cozumel, etc). Growing up I always loved my dad and I loved to spend time with him. I respected him and everything he did for me and I could always really feel his love.
Some of my feelings towards him are changing as I get older. I just spent the last 4 days in Lubbock, TX spending some time with my dad and stepmom. My dad is extremely unhealthy. He is taking TONS of medicine for cholesterol, blood pressure, and who knows what else. He is gaining weight quickly, smoking a ton of cigars, is never active and is just generally getting unhealthier by the day. He has joint pain and muscle pain and blames everything on his medicine. He is negative, irritable, and has a temper. He tends to bring everyone down around him. If he is unhealthy and unhappy, he wants you to be right there with him. I tried to make healthy choices when I could this weekend and he just seems annoyed and angry if I only want 1 or 2 bites of dessert. If he can’t love or like himself, how can he expect anyone else too?
He doesn’t want to get healthy. In fact, I think he is hoping he dies soon because he is so unhappy. It makes me mad. He says things like he won’t be around to see my kids and is always negative and just does nothing to improve his life, just wallows in what is bad and moves on. It hurts me to see him this way, because this is not the dad I remember. I remember a fun dad—but over the years, he has progressively gotten more negative, more angry, and more of a temper.
He seems to act different around me as well. It’s like now that I becoming more of my own person, he doesn’t like that person as much. I’m not sure what it is. My stepmom assures me that it’s not me and that he loves me, but that he just doesn’t like to be around people for too long at a time, her included.
I realize if I want to truly try my best to enjoy my dad and love him for the time he does have left on this Earth, that I need to throw away and put aside the resentment that his lifestyle and actions are building inside me. I just have to forget about it, right? Show him that I love him and move on. That’s what’s most important right?
Can you not really enjoy being around someone, but still love someone so much that you cry when you leave? After I left him this weekend, I cried. I think a cried for a few reasons. I cried because I thought “what if this was the last time I saw him.” Did I show him enough love? I feel like I didn’t. I feel like I let my frustration with his lifestyle and attitude get in the way of showing him that I love him. He is just not a fun man to be around the majority of the time and it makes me so sad.
Anyways, I think I just need to pray about our relationship and show him that I love him the best I can.
Do you have a strained relationship with your parents?
*Ps–I’ll do a post later today with my yummy eats and new workout from yesterday*
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m sorry about you and your dad. That kind of situation can be very frustrating. I don’t talk to or see my father, the last time I saw him in person was when he got remarried my junior year of college. Sometimes it’s just too hard and unhealthy to have people in your life who affect you negatively.
thanks for sharing such an emotional and important aspect of your life with us. yet again your honesty makes you such a breath of fresh air and such an easy person to relate to and feel like we “know.”
as for your relationship with your dad, it sounds to me like you’re really doing the best you can given the situation. clearly you WANT to love him (and you do) and you WANT to have a good relationship with him, but some people are just HARD to handle. it makes it even more difficult when that person is a family member, let alone a parent. i think the best way to feel peace in this situation is to know that you really are putting your all into the relationship and are loving your dad in the best way you know how. if he’s not receptive or is angry and temperamental, that’s not your fault. you can show him love, but it’s not fair for you to feel uncomfortable and upset when you’re around him either. you are a wonderful person and i am sure your dad realizes that as well, though he may have a more difficult time showing it than others.
I’ve only recently started reading your blog but had to comment on this post as I’ve been an extremely similar situation with my own biological father. We never had a great relationship and saw each other sporadically during my childhood. There was a lot of bad feeling on both sides I think which came to a head when I was 18. Like you and your Dad, we were (are) very different and I wasn’t sure if I wanted or needed him in my life. Instead of ignoring the problem, we had a chat about it and decided that we needed to be adult and either a) not be in each others lives anymore or b) find a way to accept each other and move forward. We eventually decided on the latter (although it was a close one!) with the key being that we BOTH took responsbility for the fact that we didn’t have a great relationship. There are some things that you may be able to change about your Dad and others that you can’t. At the end of the day, only you can decide how compromising you are willing to be to have him in your life. I still find my Dad extremely hard work and he has a totally different lifestyle to me, but he has compromised in other areas (he phones me more regularly and listens to me more) so I am willing to forgive these aspects of his personality (note I said forgive and not like!). I think unless you talk to him about the situation and feel tha he is taking your feelings into consideration you will always feel frustrated and ultimately you’ll never be satisfied with your relationship. Often an intent to change or realisation that change is necessary is enough, the change itself is less important.
I hope that helps and good luck, I hope it works out well for your both.
wow – totally relate to this. not entirely the same, but tons of similarities.
I know that has to be extremely hard on you. As girls we love our dads! They are our heros. I can tell you first hand that watching your parents suffer through cancer (in my case) or an unhealthy lifestyle just sucks. My calendar is full of my meetings, kids sporting events and my parents doctor visits. I finally had a total crying fest with my dad about his unhealthy eating habits and he has now lost 30lbs. I I think it’s harder for our parents to eat healthy because they grew up in times of where you fry everything, biscuits and gravy, and of course dessert every dinner. Your doing the main thing right… pray! Pray every day and God will work on his heart and give you the opportune time to share your concerns with your dad.
What a heartfelt post. It is obvious after reading through it that you have a huge heart and are trying your absolute best to make the most of a tough situation. If you can walk away from the weekend and tell yourself that you did all you could from your end, then you should take it for what it is and move forward. It’s very unfortunate that your Dad has that type of mindset right now, but it sounds like he’s that way with everyone around him, and the only person who’s going to change his attitude is himself.
You know what’s best for you, and to surround yourself with supportive, positive people is the best thing you can do. We all have our ups and downs with parents, no matter what type of a relationship we may (or may not) have with them. There is love there, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always show up in a way that portrays “love”.
And while I can’t totally relate to your situation, I can certainly empathize with you, as I have many friends who have had to deal with similar relationships.
Keep your head held high, and best of luck to you!
Oh Lisa, I’m sorry. It must be so hard to watch someone go through life like that, especially someone you love so much. I think you are doing the best you can with the situation. Lots of love and prayers your way.
First, i think you are being far to hard on yourself, and i know thats just part of your personality… But i wanted to point that out so maybe you can take a second to see it. I know you give your all at everything, and your dads situation is no exception. You are doing your very best to show him love. You drive to go see him, you put in that effort. So dont be so hard on yourself and feel like youre not doing enough. In the end your dad is a grown adult. Its sad to watch someone you love and care about not take care of themselves, but there really isnt anything you can do about that portion of his life. Just try and be a positive light in his life and show him your love when you can.
As far as the grumpy old man aspect. I totally get that. I see it in Brians dad allll the time. Hes gained weight over the years, aches all the time because of his massive stomach. Complains and bitches about anything and everything he can. Its sad, because he knows he needs to lose weight, and i think he wants to. He just doesnt want to put in the effort, or its not fast enough for him. Its hard to see, and it makes me sad.
Hey girl – thanks for sharing. You can only do so much in terms of inspiring someone to change. If they don’t want to, they won’t. You just have to take him for what he is. I now have a strained relationship with my mother. It’s gotten better, but nothing like it once was. She used to be a best friend.
Ahhhh, relationships. So much fun and so much heartache.
I think that everything you wrote is right. Your dad is unhappy and people who are unhappy generally don’t like to have happy people around, so they become difficult and try to bring you down so that they can feel better about themselves (even though they really don’t).
It’s not you, honey, it’s him. He is unhappy, not because of anything you said or did.
Only he can choose to make changes in his life, to try and be healthy.
I agree with everyone’s comments. Unfortunately,it sounds like he wants to stay unhappy. There isn’t much you can do for people who don’t want to help themselves. It’s harder to accept when it’s a parent.
Hugs!
aw, Lisa, that is rough. I’m sorry you are feeling down.
I have a strained relationship with my brother, who is a drug addict. I want to love him (and I do), but I don’t like being around him and being sad…I think praying is a wonderful thing to do. You dad seems to have a lot going on with in himself that he probably needs to figure out. I would just be there for him as best as you can and realize that you can not change anyone, they have to make that choice for themselves.
Thanks for sharing
It sounds like your dad has depression. I think by nature, people want to be happy and enjoy life. It must be hard seeing him miserable & angry when you’ve known him as a different person.
Like other commenters, I really don’t think it’s anything you said or did. Like you said, when people are unhappy with themselves, they’re usually unhappy with other people. I really hope things improve *hugs*
Hey there. I’m a new reader of your blog and I felt so emotional after reading this post. I have had people in my life who have given up on themselves and I know just how much it hurts to feel that someone you love has changes so much and become a person you don’t understand.
While it’s not your responsbility to change him (he is a grown man after all), don’t give up on your dad. Family will always be family and he would never give up on you if you were unhappy with your life right? It sounds like your dad may be depressed, and as hard as it is to be a family member of someone depressed, there are things you can do to help. I definitely think you should have a serious talk about this with him and explain to him just HOW much you are hurting. Because you are, and I can see that through your writing. Don’t let him give up on himself, find professional help if that is what it takes, motivate him, call him and check up on him to tell him you love him…all the little things matter.
Good luck my dear. And don’t be afraid to ask for help from your step mom, your mom…everyone else who cares about your dad! He will come around one day and see how much love surrounds him.
i have a horrible relationship with my father.. i dont wanna talk about it too much but just wanted to say that i understand what youre going through, you’re not alone <3 look after you and hopefully he will find inspiration in that and work on getting his health back on track because its never too late.
<3 HUG
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I can sort of relate because my father can’t even be bothered to acknowledge the fact I exist. We can only try to reach out, tell our fathers we love them and hope that it’s enough. I hope this post helped you get out some of the hurt and anger.
I’m so sorry you are going through this! I know that nobody can ever know “how you feel” but I can say I am in a similar situation with my grandmother. Growing up, I loved going to her house and loved being with her. For whatever reason, these past few years have been really strained. She is extremely mean and hurtful to me at times, yet other times she wants me to come down to her house. I am seriously afraid of going to visit her, not knowing what she will say to me. I hate it because I want to remember the old grandmother, but I cant
It sounds to me like your dad is suffering from depression and needs medical help. Maybe you and your stepmom could talk to him about seeing someone.
I have a strained relationship with my parents – especially my mother, we went through some really rough times during my teenage years, and the things that were said have never been forgotten (stuff like they wished I was never born, though I said the same) I’m basically not what they wanted, I did my own thing and followed my own way, which was not their way so it was not good enough. They feel about me how you feel about your dad, they don’t like me but they love me.
I’m working on acceptance that I will never have their approval, logically I know I don’t need it, but emotionally it’s tough to let go of.
How brave of you to share this story! It sounds really hard to deal with that situation.
I used to have a horrible relationship with my mom. We actually barely talked the entire time I was in high school- WHILE I was living in her house! I was upset at her for a lot of different things that happened during my childhood. My parents had divorced when I was 1 year old and they had joint custody of me. I mostly lived with my dad and was with my mom during the summer. It was hard to develop a good mother/daughter relationship seeing her only for 3 months a year, and I we both missed out on a lot of big stuff in each others life.
Mainly- when I was 7 and had my summer visitation I found out that she had gotten married and I had a step-dad. WHAT?! I was so hurt that I hadn’t been invited to the wedding and that I hadn’t even known she was getting married. I know I was just a kid, but it still broke my heart to have her doing something so big without me.
That, coupled with other things led to our bad relationship. It wasn’t until I moved away and went to college that things went from rocky to rock bottom…and from there we had to start rebuilding our relationship. It’s been quite a journey- but we are back on track with one another now and I love her very much!
Phew…this topic probably deserves a blog post of my own!
Holy Love…you are NOT alone…I haven’t spoken to my father in over a year …or more…not even emails anymore – even when I tried before he doesn’t respond…and before it was the other way around – that I shut him out…I guess you can only “fool” around for so long…I urge you to recognize that you can’t change a person and sometimes…well, he can only do the best he knows how…
I have a book (listed in my aSTore on my site) – called Codependent no More…it’s really, really enlightening and could be helpful to you…
Hugs to you
Lisa, I’m so sorry to hear that you have such conflicting feelings. That is such a hard situation, especially not knowing how much time your dad has left. You know my story with my ‘biological’ mom, so I can somewhat relate- not completely..but I understand the mixed feelings you have with him.
My best advice would be maybe just try to call him a little more….OR even better (& kind of easier on the heart) is to send a card every now & then. I’m sure he will love getting that- even if he says that he doesn’t.
You are an amazing person & he should know how lucky he is to have a daughter like you!!
We have so much in common its crazy! Yes. To all of the above. I will have to send you an email, but it all has to do with what went down with my “family member” last week….
It’s so hard to stand by and watch someone you care about making unhealthy choices and want them to change. It sounds like he is unhappy and that is being misdirected at you…parent/kid relationships are so hard. My parents divorced when I was 12 and it got really messy- I didn’t see/talk to my dad for 9 years and it’s been really up and down since then. Like, we both want it to work but he will never be who I want him to be, and I will never be the daughter he wants and there is this lingering resentment between us that we don’t talk about.
This post makes me want to give you a big HUG!! I know it must be hard to watch your dad make those choices. All you can do is continue to be the awesome person you are and pray for him.
wow.. thanks for writing this, lisa. i don’t want to share my relationship with my dad in your comments section (or anywhere, i dont think), but this post struck a chord with me and all i can say is thank you!
Thanks for sharing this, Lisa. You are an amazing woman and I can see why you would feel torn about this situation. There are few things harder than watching a loved one in a pattern of misery and poor health. I watched my dad drink his life away for twelve years, and it isn’t easy. But I so respect you for having the presence of mind to know that he is still your dad, and somewhere in all ofhis bitterness, all of his anger, he is still the fun man you once were close to. Trust that. It shouldn’t have to be something where you swallow your words, swallow your healthy lifestyle, just to fit in or to find common ground. He must bend too. But at the end of the day, I can sense how much you love him and how much you want the best for him. Again, thanks for sharing this!
What you have to realize is that you CANNOT fix someone who does not want to be fixed. You need to respect his life for what it is and he needs to the same for you, although I think you are more of an adult than he is so unfortunetly it is all up to you. All you can do is be yourself and not let him bring you down. Enjoy him is small spurts every chance you get. Call him more often, send him notes in the mail. Communication does not always have to be in person. When you visit have one of your brothers with you so you don’t have to take all the negativity. Never forget that we could all die today and everytime you see or talk to someone could be the last time so keep your words and your thoughts positive. There is a strong thing called faith, give your relationship with your earthly father to the FATHER (God). Hope that was not too heavy. You know I totally understand about him!!!
Thanks so much for sharing this girl! I definitely have strained relationships with both of my parents. My mom was an alcoholic (is I guess, but she’s been sober for 4 years and my Dad and I hardly knew each other when I was growing up. He never came home to avoid my mom. He cheated on my mom right before they divorced, which was the summer before my freshman year of college and I didn’t speak to him for a year afterwards.
I’ve tried really hard to forgive them both but there’s still lots of hurt and resentment.
If you ever need someone to talk about I’m totally here for you.
Lisa, I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your dad. It’s obvious you love him, and I’m sure it’s not only hard to see him make these unhealthy choices, but to see him be so negative and act like he doesn’t even want to live anymore. Have you had a chance to talk to him about it? I know bringing up serious convos with parents is SO difficult. I hope he will learn to change and learn to be that man again – not only for himself, but for you and your stepmom as well.
Wow, moving post. Kudos for you for putting it all out there and being able to express your feelings like that. You’re in my thoughts and I hope things get better. My dad led a really unhealthy lifestyle for awhile and unfortunately, it took a heart attack for him to stop smoking, eating somewhat better, etc.
Not sure if you would be able to sit down and talk with him or your step mom but is there a reason he just doesn’t care about his health or if he dies? My guess would just be something stewing inside of him but I guess the reason lies within. Sorry if that’s being nosy, totally didn’t mean that. My mom says stuff like that “Oh, I won’t be around for too long, etc” and it kills me each time she says stuff like that and I can’t even express to her how much that hurts me.
I loved reading this because I can relate so much. I love my Dad now…something that took me a long time to say…but I still don’t like a lot of things about him. I think it is hard to grow up and recognize that our parents have faults. Sometimes big ones. You worry for them, but at the same time are upset because they are the parents and should know better how to right the wrongs. Like you said, all you can do is show him love and pray about it. Hugs!
I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this with your dad
It sounds like you really do have a great head on your shoulders though, so don’t let any unnecessary guilt or regret weigh you down! I doubt he’s acting colder towards you because of a lack in respect or appreciation, but rather he’s probably just changed over the past several years–as you said, and isn’t too happy with himself anymore!
I hope the situation can improve–for your sanity, but don’t let this bother you…just enjoy the time you have with him and leave it at that! Maybe tell him how you’re feeling right now?? That may help the overall situation!!
Best of luck, and keep us posted if it’ll make you feel any better!
xoxox
I know exactly how you feel. My parents got divorces only 6 years ago. My dad is a big partier now. I love him with all my heart but there are lots of things I don’t approve of. Marlboro reds being 1 of them.
I am so sorry to hear about this hard experience that you are dealing with. I have always had a great relationship with my Dad. In fact, I would tell everyone he was my best friend because we did so much together. I wasn’t ashamed to go out with him, and we even went shopping together. A few years ago I did something that was not to his liking but it was something that I prayed about for years and I knew I needed to do it. He didn’t speak to me for 3 days. I was crushed and felt like he wasn’t being the Dad I had always known. I kept trying to get my point across to him but it never seemed to work. Finally, I decided to write him a letter. I explained everything I was feeling and since it was a letter, he had to read it and soak in the words without retaliating because I wasn’t there to hear it. That letter rebuilt our relationship. And say even if it didn’t, to know that I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings and telling him I loved him, I could continue living my life in peace knowing that my Dad read in black and white that I loved him. After some praying, if you feel led to do so, maybe you can write him a letter. If it upsets him, fine, but at least you know that you told him how you were feeling and you expressed that you love him. That is more than enough.
It sounds to me like your dad has a form of depression. To let your health slip away and withdraw from people who love you, one must be in a pretty rough place emotionally. He can get better if he truly wants to, but it sounds like he has given up and it can be pretty devastating to be the one on the other side of it feeling helpless to do anything. I’m so sorry that you are going through a hard time with him.
I have a good relationship with both my parents, but it wasn’t always that way. My parents divorced when I was 2, and there were a lot of issues…But everything is okay now for the most part. I hope everything works out for you too, and that your dad does decide to get better or accept help soon.
Awww, Lisa, i hope writing that out helped a little. My parents divorced when I was 12 and it is an awful, awful age to have such turmoil in your family. It’s really depressing to see those you love give up on life. Especially when they smoke or eat badly, it’s so hard to see the hatred they have toward themselves. I’ve always been a believer that you can lead by example. Ever since I started treating myself better through good food and exercise, I see the people around me doing the same. I really hope that happens with your dad! You have the chance to be a really good influence on him!!
I have a very strained relationship with my father. I love him to bits, but something I have never (and never will) mention on my blog is that he struggled with addictions and was in and out of rehab and detox while I was in my early teens. It broke my family. I’m the only daughter who is still really close with him. I can see now that our relationship is really important to him staying healthy in the long term, he needs me as much as I need him!
Oh Lisa I’m so sorry about this…I don’t know your dad, but it truly sounds as though he is so unhappy with everyone else that he feels the need to take it out and blame others for his misery. Perhaps he sees you as healthy and active and feels annoyed and maybe even jealous? It sounds crazy, but I’ve heard of it happening before. Have you ever tried talking to him about how you feel? Maybe if you approached him with the, “I feel..” instead of, “You are…you do….” etc, etc, he’d be more understanding. Your dad still has a chance to change his behavior and life – maybe he just needs someone to help him see that?
Take care of yourself {{HUGS}}
I’m sorry Lisa but it sounds like you are in a good place regardless. I’m not comfortable going into details online but I can really relate to this “Can you not really enjoy being around someone, but still love someone so much that you cry when you leave?” Thank you for sharing.
I am sorry to hear this, I know that a situation like this can be extremely difficult. I have had a lot of problems with my biological father and I just try to remember that there is only so much I can do. It is sad to say, but moving over 1000 miles away from my family was probably the best thing that I could have done.
Check out my blog. I wrote about my dad, also. I am 12 and I am working on my writing skills and did my blog as a gift for my dad on Father’s Day. Good Luck with your dad. Check out my blog at http://wertomorrow.wordpress.com/
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