There was a time in my life when I controlled every morsel that I ate. I controlled it not only by calories, but by protein grams, carbohydrate grams, and fat grams.
I followed certain rules like..
“I must eat at least 1 gram of protein per body weight.”
“I can’t eat a starch and a fat together”
“I can only eat complex carbs around my workouts.”
“If I eat fruits, it has to be berries or apples. Bananas are bad. Too much sugar. And even if I eat fruit, I can’t have too much—that’s too much sugar.”
I rated all of my food choices as an A, B, or C. An example of an “A” fat source would be flaxseed oil. A “B” fat souce was peanut butter, and I shouldn’t have too much of that. You should have more “A” choices.
It’s no wonder that I became a mental person with those kinds of thoughts and restrictions.
My breaking point happened one night about two years ago. I was sitting at home, around 7-8pm, feeling very hungry. I tried not to give in because I had to be “on plan.” I had already eaten my allotted macros and calories for the day so I could have no more.
Well, I gave in.
I ate an apple. AN APPLE.
Immediately after, I started to panic. I got some major anxiety. My breathing became short and I started shaking. Then, I started bawling uncontrollably.
I felt guilty for eating that extra apple. I put so much effort into being perfect and on plan that I upset myself horribly over eating an extra apple.
Then, I started crying even more because I realized just how far I had let myself go. I remember thinking and wondering how I left myself get to a place where eating an apple was such a bad thing.
I was terrified. I didn’t recognize myself anymore and I didn’t know how to dig myself out of the hole that I was in. My thoughts and mental state were in a place I didn’t know or understand.
That was the moment, as I sat there crying and unable to move, that I knew I needed help. I realized that even though I had been trying to get better, I couldn’t do this alone. I needed to reach out and I needed support.
I called my friend Marlo. She was a friend from a fitness forum. I knew she would understand what I was going through. She talked to me and calmed me down. That conversation allowed me to be able to think more clearly.
But, it wasn’t enough. She was in the same place I was and her words weren’t enough to help bring me out of it. At that time, she didn’t know how to get herself out of it either.
I laid there in bed late at night and reached out to someone that I had never really turned to for advice or as someone to talk to. However, I knew he would help and I knew he would listen. Also, he was an outsider in my life at that point and that’s what I needed. I had spoke with my mom about my struggles, but she was too invested in my life and what was going on. I needed to speak to someone who had no idea about my life who would give me an honest opinion.
I texted my brother who lives in New York City. I told him that I really needed to talk and he called immediately. He had no idea of anything that I was going through or what kind of fitness/nutrition plan I had been on for the past 2 years. I poured my heart and soul into him over the phone for the next two hours. He never judged and only listened. That was the start of my recovery with disordered eating. The moment I reached out was the moment that I knew that I had the strength and the love of people around me and that I COULD do it even though it seemed hopeless.
After I was done telling him my story, he said that he had no idea I was dealing with any of this. He said he was glad that I told him and that since he knew, he would be there to help or to talk to anytime. He told me I was beautiful and that I didn’t need to be doing that to myself. He told me that he always thought I was an angel and that I would be beautiful at any weight. I believed him. His voice was so sincere and so soothing to me that night.
That was the start of my recovery with food and exercise. It didn’t magically get better after that phone conversation. I’ve spent the last two years recovering. I read books on intuitive eating, on eating mindfully without plans, I started binging, I started to work out less. I tried many things that stuck for a while and some that didn’t.
I started praying for help in my everyday struggles. That’s the one thing that has stuck. Those prayers.
Also, I have more people on my side since they know of my struggles. Reaching out to my brother was the best thing I could have done. I have an ally and a friend in him. I met many wonderful people through blogging and journaling that have helped me throughout my struggles.
The point of this post is to let you know that if you have reached your breaking point….talk to someone. Reach out. Get help. It’s not cowardly. It’s the smart thing to do.
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
I am so glad you are better now, I know there still may be issues. Calling your brother was the BEST thing for you – he could be more objective that I because of our relationship. One of the best things that has come from your blog is the commradare and true caring that I see in people who have become your friend. Whether or not you ever meet this people they have impacted your life whick in turn has allowed you to impact others. Keep it going and pay it forward:)
i think this post conveys something very important… to reach out and get help. too often people try to fix things themselves when in reality we need the love, support and knowledge of others to truly help us. i’m so glad you were able to see that an apple should NEVER been seen as something evil. thanks again for sharing something so personal on your blog.
This is a pretty powerful read, one that is admirable for strength to realize a change that needs to be made. I have always eaten whatever I wanted and only the past 5 years or so gained weight. I don’t know how to read labels. Sometimes I am happy about that because I eat what I enjoy. I just need to work on the healthy part, I think my struggles are opposite of yours and I don’t know how bad certain things are. Reaching out to someone seems too difficult sometimes but it’s the best choice to make. I’m glad you have your brother there to listen.
SO proud of you for reaching out to your brother and asking for help!
Sometimes I think reaching out to someone for help is the hardest part, because part of the problem is wanting to fix all your problems yourself. It is so important to have someone to reach out to for help.
Proud of you. Reaching out and being open is a big part in the healing process. I was motivated to do so in seeing your efforts. So thanks.
Thank you for your honesty girl. I try to even stay away from “those” mags b/c no one should feel like they can’t eat an apple for crying out loud or bananas, which I couldn’t live without
What a powerful post. I can relate, it is so easy for girls to become consumed and overwhelmed by eating and being perfect that we find ourselves too far gone and not sure how to get out. Thanks for sharing your story, although my personal experience was not a full-blown disorder, I still struggle daily with being mindful and taking care of myself first vs being obsessive. It’s nice to know we can rise above and find happiness. And thank goodness for people who love us and see our inner beauty even when we don’t.
Oh I just want to give you a hug.
I totally teared up reading this. Brings back a lot of memories – I only used to let myself have half an apple as a snack. I would cut it up really little so it would last longer.
I think it takes some serious strength to reach out to someone when youre struggling. Especially when it comes to something like disordered eating. Its so hard to admit that you’re not ok. I’m glad your brother was there for you, and Im glad you made it out. I think you’re such an amazing person, and it would be such a shame if you didnt see that too.
Great post! I think that this reasonates with so many of us, even if we never had a formal eating disorder. It’s crazy what we’ve done to ourselves, isn’t it? It took me traveling to a different country to realize just how insane my eating habits were.
I am so glad you are better now!!
Oh wow. My heart is crying as I read this. I know this struggle all too well. It’s the worst place I have ever been and I feel for you so deeply after reading this. Reaching out for help is truly the scariest yet most amazing step in the road to recovery. People care. People really really do care. They probably just don’t know the extent of the misery you’re feeling inside. Give yourself the gift of help. It is SO worth it. I’m so proud of you Lisa and so glad to have read this post.
Thanks for posting this. Just this morning, I was thinking to myself how much I miss being one size smaller, despite how bad it was for my body, health, and relationships.
Some days are better than others…
Wonderful post Lisa! I’m so happy you have gotten to a happy point in your life and left that anxiety behind!
Love this post. I wasn’t able to start gaining weight until I had a similar breakdown and came clean to my boyfriend. It was such a relief and finding out he had the same worries about me that I did, made me realize I needed help. That’s what friends and family are for
“I started praying for help in my everyday struggles. That’s the one thing that has stuck. Those prayers.” <– You know just how happy this makes me.
I'm so thankful for the abundance of support and growth we have received from each other. You are such a true friend, Lisa, and I'm glad we managed to help each other through so many things. Love you!
Thank you for sharing this! Your posts are so honest and raw and your experiences can help others. I had very similar control issues with food – unrealistic (downright impossible) regulations about what I could and couldn’t eat, etc. It sounds like the past 2 years have been similar for us as we work through our recovery and really listen to our bodies. I hope to meet you sometime and have a glass of wine and chat.
Great post Lisa. I agree.. Getting help is great. Im in a much better place in life now that ive gotten rid of the anxiety with eating/having an ideal body. I was like you it was just one day i had had enough.. No more worrying. I just told myself to stop.. Stop stressing.. Enjoy life its far to short.
I know exactly what you mean.
Once, I had a major panic attack over an orange and I actually threw it up. At that time, I knew that something was seriously wrong with me but I wasn’t ready to get help yet.
It’s awesome that a) you knew you needed help, b) you asked for it, and c) you have such a supportive family!
Loved this post.
Leese,
Being on the same forum as you, I know how easy it is to become obsessed with “the numberes” and the “rules”. I started to get the same way. I actually gained weight because I would have diet slip ups on a “high carb” day when I thought it was a good idea to carb cycle. I learned to listen to my body and I’ve been steady at my current weight which is 8lbs lighter than I used to be. Thanks for another great post.
xo
Mindy@FindingSilverLinings
http://fisilis.wordpress.com
I have to echo everyone else and say thank you so much for sharing this with us– It helps to know that there are people out there who have gone through similar struggles and taken steps to overcome them.
From my own experience, I know that it’s hard to see what’s going on when you’re in the thick of it– everything seems normal and justified. I think it’s admirable that you sought help in your moment of clarity– it’s all too easy to go back to an even more restricted lifestyle after “failing” like that…
Thank you!
I am so glad you reached out for help, Lisa. Honestly, there are a lot of people who don’t and keep it all inside and never take that first step. You are in such a great place now and have overcome so much when it comes to your health. I truly am so proud of you. I hope other girls will learn from you. I have no doubt you are touching lives right now and making a difference, even in this post. It could be someone reading who has never even commented on your blog and is completely anonymous, but I know you are making a difference:) I can say, personally, your posts help me so much to remember to always keep health FIRST, and that includes mental, spiritual and emotional health. I am blessed to have a husband who keeps me accountable and that I can talk to everyday and tell him my struggles. Now that I’ve lost weight I want to maintain within a reasonable few pounds and I know he will be there to make sure I’m not continuing to diet and workout as strict as I am for this competition. But, I’m easin’ on slowly, that’s for sure.
Anyway, I just love ya, girl! HUGS!
I’m so proud of you Lisa!! Even though I don’t know you face-to-face, I LOVE your honesty and think it’s great that you shared all of what you went through. Like the comment above, posts like this remind me that health comes first. Thank you for this!
Oh gosh Lisa, how brave and strong you are to completely change your mindset. I know that must have been one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but it’s wonderful that you made it!
I think breaking points serve such an important role. If it weren’t for them, I don’t think many of us would realize that there is something in our lives we need to fix.
I am constantly amazed by the honesty in your posts. The apple story really hit a cord in me. I remember at the peak of my eating disorder in high school I tossed an apple immediately after taking one bite because my mind was already adding the dreaded calories to my body. Just an awful way of thinking and I am so glad my thinking has changed, and I’m so glad you reached out for help too.
I love how honest and open you are. You are such an inspiration to so many readers <3
Would you consider writing a letter for my “Letters to Me” campaign sharing your story? I think you could really help/touch a lot of lives
Great post, Lisa! I love how open you are with the struggles you have dealt with. I am lucky in that I didn’t get to a point where I’d flip out over extra apples.. but I can say I was thisclose to that and it scared the shit out of me. Thank God I had Marshall to tell me I was teetering on the brink of insanity and he pulled me back in to reality. But I know what you mean about the extra macros all too well. Even though I wasn’t obsessive after he snapped me back into place.. I still worried about balancing carbs with protein. It was only recently that I let that go. Thanks for sharing this!
Scary! I don’t post many pics for that same reason- too personal, etc. I’m sorry, lady. Good luck!
You write beautiful posts on these topics – so relatable. I still sometimes freak out about an apple if I’ve already had my snack.
And how wonderful that your brother was able to help. It took my mom forcing me to start getting help, and then I finally found a best friend I could cry to.
Congrats on coming so far!!
Lady, reading this touched me in so many different ways. What hurts the most? We shouldn’t have to reach a breaking point like that to finally confront what’s wrong. But too many of us do.
We are our own worst enemies.
Tonight I’m sipping my chardonnay for you.
And for all of us.
Thank you. I’ve had such a bad day today regarding my blog and just some issues with privacy and other things–so reading comments like this make me remember why I blog.
I’ve definitely learned that reaching out for help is the hardest part. But once you do, it really makes all the difference. It feels great to know you can open up to someone and they’ll actually be there for you.
You’re amazing for overcoming this, and I’m truly learning from you.
I appreciate you posting this.
I think it takes a big leap of faith with to open up like that with people. Once you do it feels like such a weight is lifted.
Lisa, I’m so happy you are in a better place now. Sometimes you see someone and their life seems like it might be a certain way, but they are hiding their struggles behind a smile. We don’t even realize that there might be an issue at hand. I remember seeing pictures of you on the other site we used to frequent and I wished I could be like you, never realizing that you had your own struggles. So, SO glad that you broke free from it all! I’m glad that your brother was there for you when you needed him to be and that you took that initial step in contacting him. You know I know that place all too well. Reaching out is the best thing to do after first acknowledging there actually is an issue. Once we reach out we’re never alone, even if we feel alone going through it. There are so many people in each of our lives that want the best for us, love us and are routing us on to be at our best and healthy.
Lisa- This post couldnt have come at a better time for me.
I’m definitely going through this. All of it has come to light THIS week. And this post actually made me cry, just because it’s exactly how I feel.
I’ve reached out, I’m getting the support I need and realizing what’s really been going on these past couple of years is a shocker. I’m excited for the future though and getting past all of this.
I always read your blog (as well as marlos and tinas) and have this feeling of jealousy. You all seem to have such a great relationship with food even though each of you has had your own struggles in the past. The place you are all at now is what I strive for and reading about it gives me so much hope!
So thank you, SO much. You really have no idea what all this means to me
Sarah
Sarah,
I had no idea you were going through all of this. I thought you were one of those happily dieting competition girls. I knew you had issues in the past, but I thought a lot of them went away. I’m glad the post resonated with you–I’m even more glad that you are getting help and support. That’s huge. You will become a happier eater–might take time but you’ll get there! Email me ANYTIME with anything! Seriously.
Thank you so much for the support
I honestly think MOST competitors do have issus with food. Even if they’re seemingly OK from the outside. It’s easy to hide, but when you’re on a plan where you have to count every macro that goes into your body it becomes very obsessive. It’s easy to let it become your whole life and it’s really sad how it ends up distancing you from friends, family and plans. I know so many girls that just sit at home and pass up plans (including myself- until my “ah ha” moment!) because they’d rather keep their diet perfect than risk going out and having fun and possibly slipping up. It’s sad! I even got to the point where I thought that’s what I wanted, that’s what I prefered, but really I was just suppressing deeper issues. I’m glad I’ve come to this realization and at this point I really dont think I’ll ever compete again and I’m TOTALLY happy with that! It’s so weird how it was just like an instant moment of clarity for me!
YOU are an inspiration!
I’m so happy to see how far you’ve come
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