It’s hard to blog when you have such heavy thoughts going on in your head.
This is me trying.
It’s hard to eat a balanced healthy breakfast when you’ve gotten used to cookies, a slice of apple pies, or donuts for breakfast.
This is me trying.
It’s hard to be productive after days where watching 4 movies was considered productive.
This is me trying.
Parade of Daily Adventures.
Yes, I stole this from Fly Lady.
It’s hard to declutter your house and get rid of things you don’t use.
This is me trying.
That’s right. Three bags on their way to Goodwill.
It’s hard to get back into the habit of spending some time with God in the morning.
This is me trying.
It’s really hard not to eat this chocolate staring at me in the face. I can’t though. Sean wants to do more photography sessions with it.
This is me trying.
I call this piece of chocolate my “Dexter” chocolate
Photography is tough to learn.
This is me trying.
Sean’s sisters cat.
It’s really hard to make a relationship work.
This is me trying.
To be honest, things aren’t going well in the relationship department. Sean seems unwilling or incapable of really talking about relationship. For this to work, I have to be able to talk about our relationship. I have to be able to work on how we communicate serious issues to each other. He shuts down, gets defensive, and doesn’t want to hear it when I bring it up. He can hardly look me in the eye at times.
I bought this book to try to give us a tool or framework to start communicating about what we need/want in our relationship.
Well, I took the quiz.
In order of my “love” language, I value quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts in that order.
What’s Sean? Well, he refused to take the quiz. He thinks its stupid.
Ok, well what to do?
The book says to pick a love language and really express that language to him for a week and watch how he responds. On the week you are speaking his primary language, you should see a difference in the way he responds.
This week, I’m focusing on Words of Affirmation for him. I’m making a concerted effort to tell him when I appreciate something he does, give him compliments, and generally try to make him feel good through my words. I’m even writing them down as I say them.
I’m sure you are thinking…”all of this is great Lisa, but what is HE doing for YOU?” You are right. I’m thinking that too.
I got so excited yesterday afternoon reading this book and taking notes. I got excited at all of the possibilities and what our relationship could be. You can imagine my disappoint when I tried to talk to him about it and asked if he would take the quiz himself and he essentially shit on that idea.
However, I’m not giving up. I’m going to keep loving him in different ways and hope to get a response. “Do to others as you would have them done to you.” That’s what I’m trying to remember. Perhaps if I show him enough good examples, he will start to express his love to me. It’s an experiment. It may fail. If it does, then I know I did everything I absolutely could to make it work. I would no longer have any doubts.
We are also going to focus on doing things together. I took a cue from Julie and suggested that we go on a date each month alternating who plans the date each month. I also suggested that we try to do something small together each week that is just us.
I hope it works.
What are you trying to do this week to improve your life?
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey girl, sorry to hear that life is throwing you for such a loop right now. But it sounds like you are dealing with it with a very healthy head on your shoulders. Hang in there girl!
This week I’m going to try to smile more. Not only does it make me feel good but I think it also has a positive effect on others!
I’m sorry he’s still not responding. I think your plan is good and I really hope it helps! But remember that you and your happiness is top priority!
I agree w/ Kacy! HUGS.
Yes, I definitely agree my happiness is top priority. I guess for me to feel truly ok about everything, then I have to give it my ALL so that way if it doesn’t work, I will have no doubts ya know.
I have heard really great things about that book, so dont give up. Shutting down may be Sean’s way of dealing. Im like that. I would rather just not deal with it because its less scary that way. He may just need a little extra time to come around.
If not, you’re right, at least you’ll know you did everything you could.
I think your plan is a really good one. I wish you luck with with Sean. I agree with what Leah said above. He might be shutting down because that is how he deals with things. I know I can do that sometimes. Good luck. At least you can feel good about yourself because you are doing all that you possibly can.
Please don’t tell me I missed your call last night and it was about the above! Ack!
I’m sorry he’s not responding Lisa. I know it’s got to be hard to be putting in all the effort, just to feel the way you do.
As for all the other stuff…the photography, the eating, and especially the time with God. I’m trying to do the same. Keep doing the things you need to do to stay happy…because, I’m learning more and more every day that it’s extremely important.
Love you darling. You deserve the absolute best.
If at first you don’t succeed… try, try again!
It’s so great that you are working so hard and doing so many great things for your relationship. I hope that it all works out and that Sean warms up to the idea of working through it together.
Praying for you!
Hopefully seeing all the effort you are putting in the relationship will make him see how much he means to you and he will try harder as well.
I think like everyone I’m just ready to get back on a healthy mind/body track.
After the stress of the holidays, the terrible eating habits, and way too many cocktails I’m ready for a detox.
Good luck with everything and keep us posted!
I think it’s great that you bought the book and are looking for better ways to communicate… doing everything you can to make it work will give you peace of mind. Hopefully he gets the hint
You deserve the best!
Sorry to hear he’s not responding to the book well. I will say that my husband would probably say the same thing as actually getting into the feelings of things is difficult. Do what you can and see how it goes.
After a week or two of not-so-proud eating, I’m working toward an 80/20 plan. I eat 80 percent good and 20 percent less good. I think it might take time to process out the sugar but I’m trying!
I think it’s great that you’re putting forth real effort even if Sean isn’t. If things don’t work out, you will be able to move forward with no regrets. Hopefully one of the languages will speak to him and get him to open up to you… good luck girl! Thinking of you.
Relationships are a two way street. One person can’t be doing all the work and if he knows there are problems and isn’t willing to work on them, then he’s not worth your energy. Sorry if that comes off rude, but you deserve a lot better than that. I hope he can turn around. Big hugs to you!
I totally agree! defnitly not a two way street.
and people don’t all the sudden change dramtically either.
like they always say “woman can’t change their men”
Agreed. They are. I just want to do everything I can, so that way, if he doesn’t reciprocate after some time, then I know I did the right thing–and I can head on m y way with no doubts.
Sweet girl! I’m sure the holidays must have been a bit less cheery than in years past. The good thing is that there are always other Christmases, and as you know life isn’t always sweet like a sugar cookie.
I am in complete admiration of your strength. So many people don’t even try for fear of what may happen, but you are putting your best foot forward in many different avenues of your life right now and that takes so much bravery. At the end of the day there is only so much that is within our control, but if we don’t try we are cheating ourselves from potential happiness.
Only time will tell what the future will hold for you but I can guarentee one thing that I have always found to be true: during the most challenging times in our lives we learn the MOST given that we are open to learning (and I know you are).
Keeping you in my thoughts Lisa!
Sorry things arent going very well right now in your relationship, but it sounds like you really are doing everything in your power to make it better. I think you have a really great attitude about everything, and completely agree that you’ll be able to say you tried everything if it doesn’t work. But hey, maybe he’ll start realizing how good you make him feel just through words and start returning the favor. You never know!
Sometimes all you can do is to “do you”. And I promise that is good enough.
Sorry it’s been a hard time recently. I really do hope things get a little easier on you!
You are doing a fabulous job at pushing through some of this nitty gritty stuff. All you can do is your best and make an effort. If your efforts don’t bring the changes you hoped, know it isn’t from anything YOU did or didn’t do. And God is always there for you, so I’m glad to see you are still making an effort there. I’m always here for you too!
And you are TOO sweet to have still made the CD for me. Seriously. Hope you’re feeling a bit better soon.
You have a great attitude and approach to this. Knowing you gave it your everything and dealt with it like an adult – if it doesn’t work, you won’t have question, and if it DOES, you will value it even more! <3
I’m sorry it’s been tough going. It’s sound like you are doing everything you can – what is he contributing? Try to focus on the good you are both doing – and hopefully he is trying too. Too bad he won’t take the quiz – I think it’s such a helpful concept. i love that book.
i am sorry you are having some heavy thoughts. hang in there.. at least you are trying? it is hard when both ends aren’t. bah.. relationshippps.
a few things.
love the dexter chocolate
is that cat a british blue short hair?
nice job on the goodwill bags! it is so hard to do that.
which brings me to the answer of your Q.. i am trying to minimize all my STUFF. i have too much, and many people don’t have much at all.
<3 you. let me know if you need to chat.
I’m sorry you are going through a rough time, but I really admire you for putting all you have into this, even if he is not responding in the way you want him to.
I hope all your efforts are for the best! And however they end, at least you will have done your best.
It’s been ages girl, but I’m glad I read this one. It isn’t easy having thoughts about your relationship like what you have. I’ve kind of been there lately too. My and mine just had a BIG time conversation about it because of a lot of fights. Basically, instead of hedging around everything and dealing with his defensiveness I had to just lay out my thoughts to him in order to be able to have an actual conversation that didn’t turn into a defensive argument of pointing fingers and passing blame. What I ended up saying was basically this:
I know I’ve been a bit short and distant with you lately (never pass of blame on your own shortcomings!) and part of it is because I have some fears and doubts about our future together because of these reasons. I said if you need someone who is okay with certain things you do, or who likes to do those things, then maybe you should find someone other than me, because as much as I try, I’m not going to be alright.. yada yada. (I won’t get into the details of what the things are, but basically there are areas he needs to grow up in and they aren’t things that someone should just blow of and be okay with.)
And you know what? Throwing out the heavy truth and doubts going on in my head led to a really great and productive conversation and we’ve been much better and much more in tune with one another.
I love that you aren’t giving up, and that you are willing to try as hard as you have. I have no idea what you have or haven’t talked to him about, but sometimes it is best not to hide even the hardest of thoughts that might be swimming around your head. Good luck with this, Lisa. Love isn’t ever easy 100% of the time.
*HUGS!*
Aww Lisa your such a great girl!
Hope your holidays were not too shabby with all this going on.
Today, 26 years later my mom was almost crying to me becasue my dad is JUST like Sean. he does not try counseling with her and he thinks that stuff is stupid. She is trying to change but he is not.
I know she loves him but she says it would be much easier if you just marry the right person instead of trying so hard to get nothing in return. She really rushed into marriage.
Don’t you want someone who wants you as bad as you want them?
This is the person you are going to be spending your whole life with! Make it THEE one. The one who treats YOU as YOU want to be treated.
Try. But if it does not work then that is the sign to move on girl to bigger and BETTER things!
Love you!
Sorry to hear things aren’t going well in the relationship department right now. At least you know you are doing everything in your power. I hear what you are saying – if it doesn’t work then you know you did everything you could and can move on with a clear head (and heart).
Look at you – you’re so proactive! I love it. And I heart the ‘this is me trying’ – the cat photo is great and the dexter chocolate is too funny. Great post, girl! This week? To improve my life? Probably get back on the ball – bring it on 2011!! And best of luck with the relationship – to sum up my thoughts simply and immaturely: boys suck.
Oh Lisa, I feel for you. But I am proud you are trying so hard and doing what you feel is right. Keep praying, things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I also am going to try the date night once a month, where one of us plans it each time. I think it’s a fun idea!
you are such a thoughtful and caring person to devote so much time and effort into trying to make it work. it must be so hard when the person on the receiving end is shut down. i don’t think boyfriends like talking too much about relationships in general, even the ones they’re in. ugh– i have no other advice, because you’re probably more knowledgeable than me in this department.
i admire you.
i’m trying to.
that’s all we can do
Hi Lisa,
This is my first time commenting, but I have been reading your blog for a while. I went through something similar this past year. I loved my boyfriend very much, but there were important things that we didn’t see eye to eye on and we kept running into them. It took me some time to realize that I needed to take care of myself first and figure out what I truly needed, which it seems like you are doing. I laid it all on the line, and came to the conclusion that either things would change, or they wouldn’t, but my needs were not going to change. It didn’t happen overnight, but we have become more open with each other and he has come around on his own, and has made some really positive changes. I can see now how the problems we had came from his own fears and seeing it this way has helped me be patient and understanding, but I can now ask for what I want and not settle. Our relationship is so much stronger now, even though having those difficult discussions is never easy. I hope this helps. I felt really alone when I was going though this, and I hope this comforts you to see that everything is always okay in the end. Feel free to e-mail me if you ever need someone to listen.
Thanks for commenting! It was nice to hear a story of where more patience and understanding leads to something good. I appreciate it.
Does Sean read your blog? Sometimes it is so much easier for people to understand when they see things in writing. If he doesn’t read your blog maybe you could just write him a long letter explaining how you feel. I am so sorry that you are going through this…hugs to you and I am thinking good thoughts. I want 2011 to be the years of your dreams!
this is a good idea, BUT just keep in mind that he should want to work on things as well. Like melissa said, its a 2 way street and if you want to talk about things and improve and he shuts down time and time again…something is not right. He should try to listen to what you are saying and try to respond as well.
i hope he embraces the fact that you are trying to work on things and wants to do the same
xoxo
I’ve been eating cheesecake for breakfast all weekend so I am in for a rude awakenin when I wake up tomorrow to eat eggs or oatmeal. My hallway is full of good will stuff that I must take in by Friday!
Hope you get some use out of that book and things work out.
ah honey, i’m sorry you and sean (i guess more sean seeing as how he’s not cooperating very well) are having such draining issues…i’ve been there and sadly, it didn’t end well, but you live and learn. I hope things start to look up soon and that you have an easier time writing on the blog; i miss you.
Lisa, I hope things improve with Sean! You deserve to be happy and loved, I know it!
Glad to hear that you’ve been spending your days eating yum treats, watching lots of tv and relaxing…YOU DESERVE AND NEEDED IT! Hello all-star student! That’s what winter break is all about
xo
Good for you for pouring so much effort and love into your relationship! I think (from my personal experience) that relationships are never 50/50…sometimes you have to give all the effort, and sometimes your partner has to do it all – it’s hard to be even ALL the time, but hopefully if you take an overall look, it evens out to 50/50 in the end. I’ve definitely had to carry my husband at times, and there are also times I’ve given it 0% effort. Also…my husband and I’s love languages are completely (100%) opposite from each other, and when we figured that out, it really helped us communicate. Good luck with all you’re efforts – you’re in my prayers!
It sounds like you are doing all you can, so you truly deserve all the happiness in the world from Sean (or any guy)! I’m not at ALL trying to say you are in this situation, but I know I had a pattern for about, oh 10 years of dating guys that I realllly wanted to change. I’m a nurturer and love to take care of people, and thought I was patient enough to wait for them to make the changes I wanted (i.e. not be an asshole anymore). Well, they didn’t in the end, and I’m glad I didn’t settle thinking maybe, one day, they will want to change enough for me. Not to get all L’Oreal on you, but I’m worth it – and you are, too.
Hey lovely Lisa
Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. Searching out every possibility to help and save what you have and what you love. I really wish Sean was more open to your requests and ideas, I really do. I know it’s tough. I think you are doing the best you can do, and I hope that whatever happens will leave you with a feeling of ease. I know it is NOT easy, but I think in the end you will have done what is best for most importantly yourself, but for Sean too. Keep praying and thinking positively for yourself and all that you love. I am thinking about you as you go through these tough times and as I go through mine. Remember, value and maintain your self worth.
Hugs,
Katie
Sorry things are hard right now and not going as well as you wish. But good for you for trying. Seriously. It’s hard to try than cut and run but it’s the right thing. Sending good thoughts your way!
Your relationship sounds so familiar to my marriage. I did all the things you did, including read the 5 Languages book hoping my husband would meet me halfway. He wouldn’t take the quiz either, nor look at the book (let alone read it). I wish you nothing but the best..I hope Sean comes around, but know that you’re still young and not married so if things don’t work out as planned you WILL find someone else. You have an inner and outer beauty and confidence to know that you’ll land on two feet. Best of luck, Lisa.
One last thing…he HAS to give as much as you do. For a while I believed that so long as I gave and gave and gave, was happy with myself, created my own life and just accepted him for who he is (that he’ll never change, because they don’t unless they want to) that I’d be fine. After a while, however, it gets old….and very, very tiring. It takes TWO people to make a relationship work. Just remember that..
Hey Lisa…love the photos in the post. The cat is gorgeous. I just want to give you hugs and help you through this tough time.. I’m trying to catch up on blogs and stay up to date. I’m behind right now :-/ anyway- take care of yourself and never give up on something you can’t go a day without thinking about.
I am crying…crying right now reading this post…after eating 1/2 a cake that didn’t even taste good and I didn’t even want – and feeling so sick and disgusting and hating the feel of my stomach right now…and after swearing, swearing, I would never do this again…and I did it. Again…
This. Is. Me. Trying.
Am I? I’m not trying hard enough. But I can’t keep hating myself for it…
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