“Look, I’m going to find a way to be happy, and I’d really love to be happy with you, but if I can’t be happy with you, then I’ll find a way to be happy without you.”
That’s essentially what I said to my boyfriend of four years over the past two months.
Let me give you a little background. We started dating when I was a measly 21 year old. I had no idea exactly what I wanted in a partner. To be honest, I didn’t even think in terms of a “partner” when I was 21.
I had been single for about 6-7 months prior to Sean after coming out of a serious two year relationship. I dated a few people in that time…and kissed plenty. I found some great guys in that time that I was just dating…I just wasn’t ready for what they were ready for. And then I met him…and something changed.
I was extremely attracted to him. Physical attraction is most definitely what drew me in. Plus, he was a challenge. He didn’t throw everything out there. He played coy and made me chase him. I did. Stupidly.
I would sit and watch him play video games…for hours. I often thought, “what am I doing?” “Why am I putting up with this?” This is not what I want. He would tell me that he didn’t date girls over two months. Well, that two month mark came and he was still dating me and well…that made me feel special I guess. I figured there was something about me that he really liked…I’m special.
I loved his carefree attitude. He is the epitome of chill, calm and collected. I loved being around him and he made me feel completely relaxed and in the moment (which I had a hard time doing).
He was never able to really open up or give me what I wanted. I said I love you first only to get a thank you. The “I love you” came a year later..and even then, it only came a couple times a year. I was starving for affection. Starving for love which I never felt from him.
I became obsessed with food, exercise and all of that in part because I wanted to be better for him. I didn’t feel like I deserved such a fine specimen. And I think that because he never really opened up and made me feel special..I was trying to do anything and reach for anything that would cause him to show his love. Which included making myself thinner…and “sexier.”
None of it worked. Sadly, he had no idea the extent to which my eating and exercising caused me pain…depression. I hid it from him. I didn’t want him to see my weaknesses. I never felt comfortable showing him the “scary” sides of me or the sides that weren’t roses and sunshine.
I eventually just accepted that he was just not an emotional person and I would never see that side or get to experience that from him. I went along with the status quo for far too long. I thought…”I have somebody, that should be enough.” It wasn’t.
I got these nagging doubts in my head every 6 months for about two years. I would talk to him about it…nothing would happen…and I would drop it and let it go. It wasn’t worth the fight. In essence, I was saying that I wasn’t worth the fight. I was compromising what I wanted and needed to be with him. I was always giving, giving, giving and he was mostly take take take.
I was always waiting for the next thing to happen to make us better. I graduated college before he did…so I thought that him graduating would make it better. It didn’t. Ok, well, when he gets a real job things will improve. They didn’t. Ok, well, if we move in together…that must help it. Of course it didn’t. I always longed for more.
I finally got to a point where I realized that nothing would make it better. No life changing moment or decision would help us. The only thing left was marriage…and I realized I would be extremely hesitant to marry him. I never want to get divorced and I would have never felt comfortable entering that union with him. It was a huge red flag.
I tried and tried the past two months to work on things. I wanted it to work. I had spent four years of my life with this person..and I loved him. I pleaded for him to “fight for me.” He said he would try…but his actions never met up with his words. He finally did a few things toward the end…but it was only after me fighting and fighting for it. By then, it just felt too late. Too little too late. I don’t want to spend a lifetime fighting to get what I need, want, and deserve from the man I love. I was tired of compromising myself and what I needed to be with him.
It took awhile for me to get up the courage to stick up for myself and call off something that wasn’t right for me. The support and words of advice on my blog were all a great push in helping me make the move and realize that I am worth it. You made me realize that there is a man out there for me who will put in the effort for me. He will realize that I am an amazing person with so much to give. I will be able to share with him my fears and dark side…and he will love me for it. I want a partner. A companion. True intimacy with someone. I want someone who will go do something he doesn’t love from time to time just because I love it. I want someone who wants to be with me…who wants to experience life with me. I want someone who isn’t afraid to show what they feel for me and to express their emotions. I want someone who is completely comfortable communicating their wants, needs, desires and fears. I want a goofy and fun love.
I realized I would never get that with him. I was trying to change him. You can’t change people. People are who they are. He isn’t a bad person…I just realized he wasn’t MY person. I still love many qualities of his and still enjoy his company. We had many wonderful times together and I have so many great memories with him. (I try to remember this quote…”don’t regret anything because at one point it was everything you ever wanted.”)
There’s simply someone out there better suited for me.
Of course, the breakup was hard. However, I felt extreme relief. It feels great to make a decision that you know is right for you. It’s times like this that force you to grow as a person. I had to get out of my comfort zone, face my fears and plow through them to get the life and love that I want.
We still live together and I am looking to find my own place now. Luckily, it’s not that hard living with him. Things are essentially normal…minus the kissing and other things. Still, it’s hard being around him when he doesn’t seem that upset. It can hurt. I’m ready to get my own place and move forward with life.
Nothing was wrong with us…but nothing was right. It’s a hard choice to make when there isn’t something huge that is forcing the decision. I just realized I would not be happy just being content with my life. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life and love in the beginnings our of relationship. I slowly figured that out as we moved forward. Then, I realized that what I had wasn’t what I wanted for my life.
I want to be overjoyed with life…and not just content.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right, you believe lies so you can eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
{ 163 comments… read them below or add one }
Ahh Lisa, what a story. A story I know too well. I’m glad you are moving on, but at the same time recognizing what once was.
Best of luck to you…
Shanna, like Banana recently posted..Shoes-Day! … Shoe Giveaway!
Good luck! I’ve been there too and things always work out how they are supposed to.
Kellie recently posted..The Classiest Girls in Tulsa
Breaking up is never easy. The unknown is scary, but it’s also very exciting. You should read/watch Eat Pray Love. It’s so inspiring especially if you are in this situation.
**Hugs**
xo
Mindy
Mindy@FindingSilverLinings recently posted..Skipping two to keep going
Yes, I saw it when it came out and read it recently…loved it! Wish I had the money to go travel like that on my “journey!”
I am so glad you realize this, Lisa… you so deserve someone who just naturally gives you what you want, not because you want it but because his love for you inspires it…
so many people go through life not ever even realizing this; living a “safe” life rather than the overjoyed one!
and because you realize it, you WILL have it! <3
Kristina @ spabettie recently posted..earthy goodness
You absolutely did the right thing. Once you realize what you want out of life, you need to go for it.
I’ve been through the same thing where I became obsessed with eating and excercise to better myself for my boyfriend and try to keep him attracted to me and also trying to change him. Instead I wasn’t happy and didnt realize till I was too hurt to keep going. I eventually broke it off and I’m much better off without him. As much as I remember the few good times I had with him, I know I’m much stronger b/c of it. Keep your head up and if you ever need an ear to listen or someone to talk to I’m here for you!
salah@myhealthiestlifestyle recently posted..At Work
I usually just read your blog, but I wanted to comment because what you did is so impressive. I’m sure that that’s so hard, but good for you for both being strong enough to pull away and to blog about it! Maybe someone going through the same things will see this, and it will help her as well. Never forget that you are definitely worth it.
Rachel recently posted..Nutcracker Obsession Nah…
Hey Lisa. I am going through the same situation, but I have not GONE THROUGH with it. We have a signed lease together, so I don’t know how he would be able to pay another $500 for rent (we split it), but I don’t want to break up and see him every day while living in the same place until the lease is up. Did you guys not have a lease together?
It’s just my name in the lease. The lease is up, so this past month we just paid month to month while we work on our living situations. Luckily, we both still treat each other with respect. Sure, it’s not the greatest thing in the world and at times it can be unpleasant…but it is what it is for right now and hopefully I will find a place soon. I think that you need to do whatever is right for you–regardless of the lease. When you look back at your life, you don’t want to look back at all this time wasted (if you know what you want) over something like a lease. It will all work itself out.
this is so true. thank you! and we all appreciate your honesty!
I think a lot of women can relate to using food control and weight loss as a way to look sexier for a boyfriend who doesn’t give any attention. I certainly can. I was in a relationship like that for 3 years. For a while after I was quite bitter that I’d wasted my time on someone like him but now I look on it as a learning curve. Good for you that you have such a positive outlook from the beginning of the break up.
Geraldine recently posted..Job application – would you apply for this
Exactly. I don’t look at any of it as wasted time–simply bc I do have a lot of happy memories with him. I look at is a time to learn–I learned what I didn’t want in a relationship and I learned that I am strong enough to go for what I want. Very powerful.
Aww what a great post. I have been through this, except x3 with my ex-boyfriend. It sounds like you definitely made the right decision!! You definitely can’t change a person…better to find this out sooner than later in life and always go with your gut (or those little nagging feelings)
Krista (kristastes) recently posted..Exciting news!
Wow, what a post. I really think you made the right decision. You can’t change someone and you deserve to be happy. Hang in there, lady!
Tina recently posted..Vegetable Bikini
What an honest post, thank you for sharing it. I think so many women are in similar situation, including myself.
I think you said it perfectly, “You can’t change people. People are who they are. He isn’t a bad person…I just realized he wasn’t MY person.”
It takes so much stregnth, courage, and hope to realize what you did and move forward.
And you will find your person! (I hope I find mine too)
KitKat @ Pursuit of Happiness recently posted..Biggest Loser’s New Trainers
Julie from PBFingers linked to you on twitter, so that’s how I found, but I wanted to say congrats for doing what is right for you! I have a somewhat similar story (with big differences, but somewhat similar!), as I dated a guy for 5.5 years before breaking up with him. I moved across the country to be closer to him…and I wasn’t happy! I also had a terrible, miserable job, but even my time with him didn’t seem to cheer me up…everyone said, “But you’re closer to him, doesn’t that make you happy?” And it didn’t. As you said above, there was nothing wrong with us, I guess we just weren’t right together. I wanted us to be right so bad because he was more or less my best friend. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about him and whoever ends up with him will be a lucky, lucky girl, but we just weren’t right together. I know I would have had a good life with him, but I wanted more. I broke up with him a little over a year ago, and although those first few months were some of the worst of my life, I’ve had many, many changes since then and I’m so happy now. Life is short and you never know what’s coming, and you deserve to be blissfully happy with (or without!) someone who feels the same about you. I have no regrets about my life and how it’s shaping up, and you won’t either…best of luck girl!
Susan – Nurse on the Run recently posted..why i don’t stop running
I can’t imagine doing that after you moved to be closer to him. I think what you said that being closer to him didn’t make you happier–such a huge sign isn’t it? I’m glad that you still feel confident in your decision and that you got through the hard times and move onto even more happiness. Definitely gives me hope for the future. Thanks for stopping by!
Good for you for taking care of yourself. It is very true that when life takes us down these challenging and painful paths that it is to bring us closer to what we actually want in life. Love and light to you.
Christie {Abundant Self Care} recently posted..Intuitive Eating- Stop Eating When Full
You are so strong! Doing the right thing can sometimes be the hardest thing….and I admire how you did the right thing for you, even though you knew it wasn’t going to be easy.
A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend of 10 years…they owned a house together and she’s still looking for her own place…I can’t imaging living with someone after a break up–I usually need to disappear off the face of the earth for a while post break-up…I really admire your strength!
I can’t imagine doing that after 10 years. Now that’s some strength. It’s not as hard as you would think to live with him…they always say that the person who does the breaking up goes through all the stages of grief before they actually do it, which I believe is true. That’s not to say I don’t get sad, because I do. I guess just the relief of knowing I did the right thing helps me get through it. It also helps that we are both respectful of each other…and I have no hard feelings towards him…that helps in the living situation. But, that doesn’t mean I’m ready to get out..because I am. It’s hard to move forward when you still see the person on a daily basis.
You are so brave….I really commend you for the strength you had to stand up for what was best for you. It is not easy. Here’s to a new beginning!
Samantha recently posted..Moratorium on Blogging
Love you so much Lisa and so proud of you for sticking up for YOU and going for what you want and need… and most importantly DESERVE
Becca recently posted..Becoming a Cougar
Wow, Lisa. What a great, moving post. It makes me think a lot about my own relationship.
Do you guys own a lot of things together? Is it going to be weird to split it up?
I hate to say it, but avoiding dealing with logistics seems to be playing a big factor in my own life right now…
Beth @ Beth’s Journey to Thin recently posted..All Good Things
Thankfully, we don’t own a lot of things together. The hardest part for me is that Milla (our little mini dachshund) will go with him. I’ll be honest and say that she loves him a lot more than me since he had a much big role in raising her. I’ll miss her a lot. If logistics is something that is hold you back, then try to think of it this way…in 10 years, will you care about something that you had to split with? No, you probably won’t even think of it.
well at least you will still have the other puppy! but i know, it’s not the same
You’re amazing! Although I can’t say I’ve been in a situation like this I know you did the right thing because I’m in a relationship with a guy who would fight for me! and it’s for sure a goofy fun love, he’s seen my worst and somehow still loves me! Everyone deserve a love like that, especially someone who is strong enough to stand up for their own happiness!
Grace recently posted..Indulgence
Exactly what I want. Thank you
Wow Lisa, what a hard story to share, but you did it so openly. Love that about you- always have- just that sincere, pure honesty.
I have been in your shoes, can’t say it was for four year though- mine was only a year & a half…but a year & a half of the CONSTANT questioning of my relationship. It’s really hard on someone & it’s SO emotionally draining. I’m so glad you realized what is best for YOU. And it’s also really nice that you & Sean are able to still share the apartment, even if it is a bit awkward at times. I remember the day I finally got my own place- it was such a feeling of relief & it felt like an elephant had been lifted off of my shoulders.
Good luck with the apartment hunting…you could always move to Florida
xoxo
Holly recently posted..The PERFECT Combination
Ahh yes–sunshiney Florida might be calling my name
I read your story yesterday about your ex. It’s hard…no matter what the length of the relationship. But, see–you came out on the other hand and are happier then ever with Craig. 
I’m proud of you for doing this, Lisa. You realized that you weren’t truly happy with your relationship and you did something about it. That is HUGE because so many people would just settle. We are only this person once and you can’t waste your life only living slightly “content”. Your years with Sean were a good learning experience and they will help prepare you for the guy that is truly right for you.
Ayla recently posted..Nom-num-nom Day 11
This is going to suck for a while, and you just have to get through it. Eventually you will adjust to a new normal and you’ll forget about how bad you felt now. I was with a guy for 4.5 years before I met my husband and he and I were so bad for each other. When my husband and I started dating I wasn’t sure if I was into him because we really worked together or just because our relationship was so much better in comparison to the previous. I thought about my ex all the time and couldn’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t. Now, only 3 years later, I never think about him and he used to be my whole world. I got lucky that the next person I dated wasn’t just an improvement but turned out to be my perfect partner. If you are not absolutely thrilled to be with your partner you may not be in the right relationship. You will be so happy you made this choice later, but for now it’s just gonna suck for a while.
Alayna @ Thyme Bombe recently posted..Sushi time at Hashiguchi Jr
Love your honesty- specifically with YOURSELF. xo
Liz @ Blog is the New Black recently posted..Monterey Chicken with Cilantro Lime Rice
This is such a moving post. You are so brave and I like the fact that you are honest. I think you made the best decision because ultimately you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. You will find that guy. He is out there. The most important part is that you didn’t continue the relationship and then push it into a marriage. I think that would have made things much worse. Good luck on your journey.
Hope recently posted..Philly Auto Show- Baby Kyleigh & The Rest of the Weekend…
Lisa, I cannot believe how similar our lives are. Your are so brave to put this all out there. I am dealing with similar issues in my personal life and would love to talk to you about it. But as you pointed out a month ago, nothing is private in the blog world. Maybe we can connect over email.
I’m so proud of you for your honesty and I believe that you will find that person who will make you happy.
I feel for ya girl. First time commenting, but I agree with everyone else. You strike me as a vibrant, strong person who will get through this.
Don’t ever let someone kill your sparkle, as my friends and I say.
)
I love that. Nope, my sparkle is here to STAY!
Hey Lisa,
Thanks for finally opening up and telling the whole story. You didn’t have to, but I bet it was better for you this way. To release all of your words and emotions about the situation. That’s one reason why I love blogging so much.
It’s weird…after I read about all of the qualities that you want in a partner, and that you didn’t see in Sean, I realized that Brad has all of those qualities. And, actually, just this past weekend, I started talking with him again. I ended up going back to him. But, not by force. I went back because I listened to myself. I was happy with him, and the things that made me unhappy were things that he has recognized and has begun to change about himself. I think the breakup gave him a big “shake”, because now he is very different. He’s back to being the man I fell in love with almost 2 years ago. We both admitted that we lost sight of “us” in the relationship at times, but we also focused too much on us. We needed to spend less time together and spend that time with friends and family. We needed to focus on our school/future, and spend time together when we could. We forgot about life, essentially. And, the great thing is that we have recognized all of this and we have said that this time around we can’t make those same mistakes. As for his anger issues, he’s working on it. He doesn’t like to be angry, and he has started some meditation to help himself.
The bad part is that my family doesn’t support my decision to go back to him. Well, only my dad knows, but he says that Brad will never change. That I am wasting my time and doing the wrong thing. It really hurts me because he can’t possibly know what I feel like and he’s not in the relationship. I am afraid to tell my mom because she will be upset with me. I just hate it that others are trying to tell me what to do with my life and relationship. I don’t believe they have the right to tell me what to do when their relationships are not good and they still haven’t done anything about it. It’s so frustrating. I don’t want my family to dislike Brad. I have very strong feelings for him, and yes, I do see him as being my future husband someday. I feel like some of my standards were high last time. I wasn’t the problem, but I think we both contributed to the mistakes in the relationship. And, yes, I do believe that people can change. I think Brad has changed so much in the past few weeks. And, I know he’s working to change even more. I feel right in my heart, and I’ve prayed about it. I don’t see any reason to not be with him. I am happy, and I know what to do this time around. I know that I need to make other things a priority over him sometimes. That’s just life. I can’t be around him 24/7 when I have school, work, family gatherings, and outings with friends. And, finally, we both understand that.
Sorry…I am just feeling really stressed about all of this because I am tired of being treated like I am still a child. My mom especially does that to me. I hate it because it makes me turn away from her. I don’t hate my mom, I love her. But, when she won’t stop bothering me about things that are not in her control, it makes me upset with her and I will not want to be around her. I am not looking forward to telling her. I am wondering if I should just let her find out. I am happy as is in my life right now, I don’t need the stress.
I had enough of that in the recent past.
Katie recently posted..do you want the skinny on getting buff
First of all…don’t EVER feel like your standards are too high. They aren’t. They are your standards for a reason…all of those standards you have for him are important. It’s what you need and want..and most importantly: expect. Keep expecting those things from him.
As far as your family goes…they just love you and want the best for you. They only can see that he has hurt you in the past and they don’t want that for their little girl. All you can do is stand strong in your decision and keep praying that Brad can continue to prove himself to you…and your family.
It’s good that the break up caused you two to figure some things out and perhaps learn what was wrong the first time around. I believe people can change if they really want to…but only to an extent.
Just remember yourself in the relationship this next time through (which it sounds like you are..) and always remember what you want and deserve and if at some point you realize you aren’t getting it, then don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Love you Katie!
I would like to say as a mother that we hurt when our daughters hurt – that being said your mom and entire family has a right the their opinion BUT need to allow you to live your own life and make all the right and wrong decisions for yourself. One of the most important things I have learned as a mom is that I cannot prevent my daughter from making mistakes just because I have given her all of my wonderful advice, from my years of experience. It has to be her experience just like it has to be your experience. You have got to live your life on your terms and not the terms of your family. In the end it is your decision and your life.
Isn’t my mom a smart lady?!
Denise, this was really nice to hear. I like that it’s from a mom’s perspective. I also like your honesty. Lisa is lucky to have a mom like you.
And, I am lucky to have my mother because she loves me and cares about me. Although, sometimes I think she does forget that I have grown and I am not a little girl anymore. I will hear my family out, but I can’t promise them that I will do what they say, because in the end it’s my feelings that matter the most. Thank you for your reply. It was what I needed. 
Katie recently posted..do you want the skinny on getting buff
Thanks so much, Lisa. It’s nice to have people to get advice and support from besides family and people who are around you every day. I won’t lower my standards. I am a pretty strong person, and I have told Brad what I want in this relationship. I really feel like he will follow through, and that’s why I am giving him this second chance. Also, because I do really love him. But, I know that if things start going back to the way they were before, I won’t be able to handle it. And, I will have to end the relationship. He knows that. I think it will be easier next time if it happens again (hopefully it won’t!) because I have been clear on what I want and need. Before I think we just jumped into the relationship and didn’t know how to take care of the rest of our lives.
Katie recently posted..do you want the skinny on getting buff
It is hard for a mom not to want to protect her baby from what she thinks is not best for her. Listen to them – really hear them-and and ask them to REALLY hear you – and do what you think is best for you. What ever the outcome you know it was your decision:) Good Luck.
I’m so glad you wrote this out – not only to share with us, but for yourself. How therapeutic and healthy! You clearly have come through the relationship to a point where you can have clarity in hindsight. I’m so excited for you and know there are many amazing things coming your way. You are definitely right in that you will meet a man who will love every single ounce of who you are and someone you can fully be yourself around. Goofy, fun love is crucial in life!
Dorry recently posted..Combining 2 Loves
I’m so glad you finally stood up for yourself and did what was right for you! Everyone deserves to be happy and madly in love…not just content or comfortable! You obviously know what you want now and I know you’ll find it!
Dawn (HealthySDLiving) recently posted..Busy Busy
Oh Lordy, you just described the 4 year on/off relationship I had BEFORE I met my husband…who does appreciate me (even the ugly parts) and fights for me like there’s no tomorrow. That guy is definitely out there for you, but until then, just enjoy yourself and have fun becoming “youier”
Katie recently posted..Pitter-Patter
“youier.” you are too funny katie
I can’t even express how much I appreciate this post and your extreme honesty and detail about the entire situation. I started dating my fiance when I was 20 – after being single for 6 months after getting out of a serious 2 year relationship – and it has been 6 years since then. Sound familiar?! In the past month or so since we’ve set the date for the wedding, I’ve been having a lot of doubts. Is this really what I want? I’m content with things, but I could probably be happier, right? (questions that tend to float around in my own head). I don’t know if it’s normal cold feet or if there’s something seriously wrong. I know there’s a bad feeling in my gut about it and if I’m honest with myself – I’ve been trying to ignore it because I’m so scared of the unknown.
You’re an incredibly brave woman and I really admire you for standing up for yourself and what you want out of life. Congratulations on making that HUGE first step into a better future! I wish you all the best. You’re an inspiration.
Are these feelings new or have they sporadically come up throughout the years? Once I noticed that I was feeling the same things and the same way over and over for the course of 1-2 years…I knew it was never going to change into what I wanted it. That’s when I knew that we weren’t right together. I wish the best of luck to you with whatever happens
.
They’ve been sporadic… I guess I want to believe that two people can grow and grow up together, but while I’m sure that’s true for some, it’s probably not the case for most. I always believe in working on it, but there’s got to come a point where work turns into struggle and struggle turns into not being worth it anymore. Thank you for the encouragement – like I said, you’re an inspiration and my story’s so similar to yours that it’s creepy!
I never think that relationships should be perfect–because they won’t ever be. But, for me, I just hit a point where I realized that I would ALWAYS be fighting and struggling to get what I wanted…and while I knew he loved me…it just wasn’t enough for me anymore.
Ah, I went through such a similar situation with my last boyfriend. We were (23?-ha I can’t remember) when we started dating and we were both into partying, being crazy social, and all of that. After being together for a year or so, I started to change. I got into yoga and a healthy lifestyle, and with that I wanted to stay in more and be more of a couple. My ex and I used to make fun of the couples that disappeared when they started dating each other, and while I would never want to totally disappear from my social life, I want to disappear -together- a little bit. He was extremely unaffectionate and always picked his friends and “fun” over me. I don’t totally blame him because it was ME who changed, but I also couldn’t stay when he wasn’t able to grow up.
I was single for a year after we broke up and I’ve now been in a new relationship for about a year and I feel like I am so much happier because I had that year of singlehood to really figure out who I am. Even though my ex really hurt me, I am in some ways grateful for him because he helped me to learn about what I needed in a grown-up relationship.
Good for you for taking this step. So many people are too scared to bust out of these type of ruts. I know it’s hard but you are going to come out on the other side SO much happier
Meaghan recently posted..Singing a New Tune
i have only commented like one other time, but i read your blog everyday and i felt like i was reading my own story just now! i was with my ex for four years, from the time i was 21-25. i graduated college, and he moved in with me. but i was always waiting for it to get better. fight after fight. life event after live event. he was always thinking of himself and i never felt like i could “make him” the boyfriend i needed- i never felt like i deserved to be with him- like i was the lucky one and he was settling. yet he really was my best friend. the break up with him was one of the hardest things i have ever been through- i spent the day and night on the bathroom floor i was so physically sick from it.
fast forward 5 years later- now 30, i am engaged to the man of my dreams. one who i feel truly loves me and thinks he is just as lucky to be with me as i am to be with him. it is so easy to be with the right person- i had no idea until i met him.
the right person for you will come along when you least expect it. my fours years taught me so much to prepare myself for my current relationship- i wouldn’t change a thing. best of luck & congrats on making a hard decision that will ultimately be the best thing for you!
Sounds eerily similiar to my relationship. I love what you said…”it is so easy to be with the right person- i had no idea until i met him.” I can’t wait for that.
Good for you for doing whats best for *yourself*. It takes guts and courage to do what you did. Just remember you only live once and we aren’t here on this earth for very long. Make every moment count as we don’t have enough time to live here unhappy…
Ashley @ 365 things recently posted..2811
I relate to this more than I express. You are such a strong person and I’m glad you are able to come out and share everything that has happened because I bet – and can already see – it is helping many others come to important realizations!
I think that last quote sums it all up perfectly. People change so much in their 20s (at least in the 8 years I’ve been in mine I feel like that’s the case) and I think inevitably some people grow together and others grow apart. I think you made the right decision, for what it’s worth.
Di recently posted..This Is Why Im Tired
All I can think of to say is that real, fun, goofy, head over heels, laugh until you cry love does exist and you will find it! Onward and upward!
What a poignant post… looks like you already know on some level everything that anyone could tell you to help you feel more peaceful with your situation: you will find that person with whom you can totally be yourself, for whom you don’t have to change…and every relationship, however painful or tragic, teaches us something and is a gift.
I completely agree. Relationships (even when they don’t work) are a gift. Connections to people are always a gift. And they always teach you something.
you are so strong to make such a hard decision. i think it is SOOO courageous. you ARE worth it and you are so wise to realize it now.
try not to think of it as 4 years gone, but 4 years of perfecting yourself to be ready for the next step. meaning, now you know what you DO want, now you know what you value in a “partner” and now you can be open to recognizing it.
be proud for being able to see this in the moment.
elise recently posted..A day late
“Nothing was wrong with us…but nothing was right.” You are so wise girl. Love ya!
Kacy recently posted..A Healthy Habit Journey- Post 3 from the SIL
Oh, goodness.
I know it’s hard, but you did 110% the right thing.
LindseyAnn recently posted..Ninja SWAT Cat-Burglar Runner Girl!
Thank you, as always, for sharing your story. Good for you for making yourself number one and doing what is best for you! I know there is much love in the future waiting for you
Tracy @ Commit To Fit recently posted..Vegan for a Week Challenge
I have a good friend who told me once that you should only date people as emotionally available as you are. I think that it’s a really great piece of advice so I am passing it on to you.
kathleen recently posted..It’s going by way too fast!
Very true and great advice.
lisa boo,
i went through a very similar relationship my junior/senior years of college, and it was horrible. i was depressed and so unhappy, but it was as if i had been in it for so long that i needed to fight for it, needed to get that validation and wanted to be the one. but i wasn’t. it took me a long time to realize i needed to get away, but i did. and it was one of the best things i’ve ever been through. it’s given me a whole new lease when it comes to men, and i know that even though i haven’t dated anyone since, one day the guy who is right for me will come. until then, standing on my own two feet is oh so gratifying.
so much love, hugs + good wishes,
holly
Yes–I now know that what I went through in this relationship will aid me in the future in more ways than I could even count. I just read a quote that says…”experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” I got experience and learned some valuable lessons. That’s something that I can carry with me forever.
Lisa, you are such an incredbile and strong person! I am so glad that you are choosing the unknown path so that you can find the happiness that you deserve. Good for you for knowing yourself, and respecting your true wishes and what you want out of life. Gotta let that status quo go… You have such a great outlook on life, I know there are only good things ahead for you!! And I can’t wait to follow your steps as you get there
<3 you girl!
you should be proud of yourself for making such a tough decision! i think the fact that you can live with him now and still be “okay” says wonders about the state you were in within your relationship. i went through something similar with an ex who i loved very much. i had to realize that knowing i wanted certain things didnt make me greedy or wrong, or make him a bad person. it just meant that the relationship couldnt sustain itself forever. the things you want are 100% normal and not ridiculous at all…you definitely should have them!
katecooks recently posted..Superbowl Surf
I agree. We weren’t in a very happy, loving place in our relationship anymore. I think that’s why we can live together for this short time being…I had just given up, accepted him and realized that it wasn’t what I wanted.
You have such a way with writing! Very powerful, just like yourself. So excited for your new journeys in life!
And that speaks volumes about both of you, that you are able to live together still until you find a place. That takes maturity!
You mentioned that it makes you sad that he isn’t sad – I guess he’s just holding his emotions in?
That’s my guess. Which only validated that I made the right decision. I try not to think about it and am trying to just focus on myself!
Very very true!! Such an ‘AHA’ moment. (OMG I’m quoting Oprah, make me stop!)
You have an amazing amount of courage girl. In my story, I DID have a life changing something that should have pushed me into a decision, but I decided to pretend it away. If I didn’t think about it, it didnt happen…and I was able to be happy albeit temporary. It took me a long time to realize my own self worth and make the changes in my life tht I needed to be happy. For the longest time, I just couldn’t see throwing away a five year relationship. But like said, there is any point in staying in a relationship that you know you will never be TRULY happy in. I so wish I knew then what I know now. I’m still working on the part foe that regrets so much from the past, but this post has really helped me see things from another perspective.
“Don’t regret anything because at one point it was everything you ever wanted.” <- Love this!
Thank u for this post Lisa!
Heather recently posted..Keeping It Short & Sweet
Before I met Ben I was in a 4 1/2 year relationship. I was 19 when we met. I figured we’d get married. It didn’t work out the way I was hoping. I finally had to walk away.
I was scared (What if I don’t find someone else?). I was sad (I still loved him.). I was lonely (all my friends were paired off.).
But it turned out okay. Actually, it turned out better than “okay” and it will for you too.
Runeatrepeat recently posted..Dealing With A Bad Race
The first quote is amazing and I think the key to what you ended up doing. This was a great post to read and I know your strength in listening to yourself will pay off over and over in your life, to bring you that joy you seek, not just contentment.
Katie @ peacebeme recently posted..Quick update
Hey Girly~I’m so glad you stuck to your guns and did what you had to do. I know how hard of a decision that had to be for you. I’ve been there as well. I will always love the person I had to let go, but we just weren’t right for each other and I could foresee what my life would have been if we continued down that path. Sometimes we get so comfortable in a relationship or hope that things are going to change, even when we know in our heart that they will stay the same. Sometimes it is our insecurities that keep us with a person or attract us to a certain person. I’m so happy that you found yourself over the years and realized what truly makes you happy and just you! It’s better that you did this now. I have a friend who has been married to her husband for 18 years and is in the process of getting a divorce. She said that she hid her true self from her husband and was tired of living a lie. You are still young and have so much life to live! I’m proud of you!!
There have been times in my life when I dated down (as others in my life like to call it). I think that I felt those people wouldn’t be able to hurt me, but that wasn’t the case. One in particular was everything that I wasn’t. He played video games all day, drank too much, smoked and pretty much only ate fast food. He broke up with me and my life spiraled downward. He didn’t even deserve a tear. The person I dated before meeting my current boyfriend wasn’t giving me what I needed, even though I repeatedly told him. He would disregard my feelings by making a joke out of them. Finally, I stood up for myself because it was making me sick (literally). In the end, he made me out to be the bad guy, but I gave him a number of chances to fix things and he didn’t. I felt horrible about it for a while, but I’m now with someone who completely respects me, let’s me be 100% myself (dorky ways and all), and he never downplays my feelings/thoughts. You deserve that person in your life too. He’s out there just waiting for ya! Love ya! XOXO
Kim @ Imperfectly Perfect recently posted..Ranting & Raving
It sounds like you made the right decision for you. There comes a point in every relationship where you have to ask yourself if it’s worth the fight. If the other person isn’t fighting to save the relationship, then why are you fighting so hard?
Glad you made the decision. Indecision can be agonizing. I hope you find a new place soon so you can start the healing process!
Wow. Lisa, I feel like I’m reading about myself here (in the past). Although I have to say, I WISH I’d had your positive outlook. I love how you made this decision and you did it for YOU. I am so, so proud of you. So many women (myself included) have had relationships just like this….not “horrible” per se, but just not right. A lot of those women have gone ahead with marriage, thinking it will make it so much better. It never, EVER has!
Trust me, we deserve to be with someone who makes us feel amazing, someone who we have no doubt we want to be with for the rest of our lives. And I KNOW it will happen! You are such a strong person, and I see this making you even stronger. You’ll look back in years and know why this happened!
Holly recently posted..Can’t Buy Me Love
A beautiful, beautiful post. It takes a strong woman to recognize those things and stand up for herself. You’re an inspiration!
Clare @ Fitting It All In recently posted..Blast From The Past
beautiful, well written post. I started tearing up toward the end because everything you said in this post is so true. We cant change others, people are who they are. You can fight and fight all day long but at the end of the day, you want your partnet to love you for you. All of the goofy, beautiful, smart, challenging parts of you. You should never have to compromise who you are, what you deserve for something else.
I am pretty sure you have insprired so many people who read your blog daily to rethink about what they want and deserve out of their life. It is such a strong and powerful thing that you did and also to share it with us. I admire you, Lisa
xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing this, Lisa. I have been struggling with a break up for months now & am just beginning to start the healing process. I was so caught up in my pain for so long, that I couldn’t even consider trying to be happy on my own. Now, I’m trying to figure myself out, what I want & need, & how to be whole on my own & not lose myself in the future. You absolutely haven’t lost any time. If anything, you have grown & will continue to grow because of this experience. I can’t thank you enough for putting this out there & making me realize that I’m not the only one going through this & that there is a silver lining . . . somewhere.
There most definitely is always a silver lining. Eventually, you will come through this stronger than you were. Hopefully you will have learned something and you can apply that to a new relationship—and hopefully a much better one. <3.
This is such a timely post… I read all the time but never comment, but now I think I have to say something! I recently came to the realization that I need to break it off with my boyfriend of 3 years. I was in denial about it for a long time until one of my good friends told me that I never seem happy anymore. She’s right… I was holding on because we bought a house together, have all the same friends, and it’s just so much easier to stay with the familiar then go into the unknown. Reading this post and seeing how strong you are makes me feel like I am making the right choice… we all deserve to be happy.
This is what I always reminded myself of over the past few months…”sometimes the hardest decisions are the right decisions.” Good luck!
You know I relate to every single thing in this post. I’m glad we were able to be there for each other during this hard time. Stay strong girl!
MelissaNibbles recently posted..Sushi Date!
You too! You were a great help to me
<3 you!
Lisa,
I always read your blog and have never commented before now. I would always relate to your posts but I have never felt the need to post a comment until today. To try and keep my story as simple as possible it goes something like this: meet boy at 15 and date through high school. boy enlists in army and we break up. we both go separate ways for 3 years. I find myself in a relationship just like yours. almost eerily like yours and he finds himself engaged and in the same type of self destructive relationship. we both break up with our significant others. boy leaves for war and comes home to me.
Getting out of the 3 year relationship I had in college was the hardest thing I have ever done. That being said, once it was over, I felt so relieved to not have to try so hard to keep someone around and interested. As a little time passed and my previous boyfriend came home from war, we decided to try things again. We both are now 23, happier than ever,and joke with each other and say “is it possible that a relationship could be so simple?” Granted we are still young, but it is still a point where we plan for a long term future together. I can honestly say that I now have everything I never thought I wanted. There really will be someone out there that would jump over the moon for you. Some things really are worth the wait (or in my case the first of many years of deployments). Everyone says it but when it is right, you just know, and that doesn’t matter whether you are in a relationship or getting out of it. If it is right, you just know….
What a beautiful story. I’m so glad that you were able to reconnect with your highschool sweetheart. I hear of that happening all the time. I truly think that sometimes timing can play a huge role in relationships. You and your current boyfriend might have been right for each other all along, but the timing wasn’t right and you both needed to go through some bad relationships to help you understand and appreciate what you had in each other. Thanks for commenting.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Lisa. I’m so glad that you’re moving on to a life and love you deserve. At the same time, I am SO glad that you don’t regret that time with him. Many women stay in relationships because “they’ve been with the man too long to give up and don’t want regrets.” Like you said, regrets are not worth it. You are a strong woman, and there is a man that will love all your qualities!!
Hi Lisa,
i follow your blog, but don’t comment. i just wanted to i totally understand what u r going through (and some of the food – weight struggles. i too am an ex-gymnast and am very in-tune with my in- our out-of-shapeness to the point where sometimes it drives me crazy). when i went through a similar situation i found a lot out about myself – how strong i was, what mattered to me, how great my family and friends were, how life can sometimes suck and be awesome at the same time, and how much else was out there! … so use this time to focus on you…b/c this is really “you” time.
Sam
So glad that you commented! I swear–ex gymnasts can have some issues sometimes–do you agee?? and yes–I love what you said about how life can be so awesome and so sucky at the same time. I actually think I just tweeted something like “its amazing how I can be so happy and so sad all in one day”. Although, as the days go on and time heals–I become simply happier and the sad part is becoming smaller and smaller.
I love this post. I was in the exact same kind of relationship with someone. No matter what I did I could never see the “raw” side of him, no feelings, no emotions, nothing. I was a measly option in his eyes and it took a bigger toll on me than I realized at the time. I too went through obsessions with food and exercise, I always wanted to be better for him, that way maybe he would see me as special, but it never happened. I always craved a lot more affection and love than I was receiving from him. It inspires me to see how strong you are. I am now in a much better place and in an equally satisfying relationship. There is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.
Thanks for commenting. I’m amazed by how many of us women have been in this exact same relationship. I love hearing that you have gone through it, come out the other end stronger and happier and in an amazing relationship. Thanks for sharing!
So glad you had the courage to make such an important decision about yourself. There are many women out there who probably feel the way you did and don’t have the courage to go through with the break-up for fear of the unknown. I hope that others in the same situation read your story and realize that they deserve better!
Karen recently posted..Everything’s Better with Bacon
this is scary similar to what i am dealing with right now. my and my ex broke up many years ago but slowly began trying to make it work since October… but around Christmas time i new it was time for me to let it go..i was hitting a wall with him and i felt for the first time that i could truly move on and deserved something more…and deserved someone that would treat me the way I know women need to be treated. this was such a lovely post to read and i am truly grateful that you opening up so candidly. i love being able to relate this to my own life and trust that i am doing the right thing. thank you!!! <3
I love this post. I know that feeling of relief you’re talking about, and it really does feel so good. I hope you find a place of your own soon so you can really move on!
Kelly recently posted..Late- late- late
You deserve to be happy and feel love. I’m SO proud of you for making this choice for yourself, too many women end up settling or hoping that a man will change. That isn’t fair for either person in the end. At your age I remember feeling that desire to settle and get married and know that I had found the “one”. Now that I am married I realize even more how overwhelmingly important it is to be with that person who you really truly connect with on so many levels. You will find that person eventually, and when you do, there won’t be those doubts. Again Lisa, I’m so proud of you for putting yourself first. I’m always here for you if you ever need anything.
XOXO
Jamie @ Food in Real Life recently posted..Rocco Rocks Again!
You are amazing, thank you for sharing. With the guys in my past I did the same things as well — tried to better myself for them and never thought I was enough. I’m still working on the journey, luckily I’m with a completely different person right now that’s amazing.
You will have a wonderful life, a wonderful journey…I know you will
Floey recently posted..Al Final
Lisa, I swear, you are a writer and a half! You do such a wonderful job of explaining your emotions that it’s impossible not to get emotional reading a post like this! I went through the same thing with an ex that I had been living with a few years ago and it was like I was right there all over again. I’m so, so, so happy for you and this new adventure that’s about to begin. I hope it’s everything you dream of!!
Laura recently posted..A Run and A Rant
I swear, you are just too too sweet. I guess I can write these emotions so easily because I felt them for so long. Luckily, I have a whole new set of emotions that I’ve been feeling. Excitement, wonderment…imaginging all of the possibilities of where life can take is exciting.
I’ll never forget the feeling of waking up in my new bed in my new place (without him) for the first time. I taped a note that said, “every sixty seconds you spend upset, is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back” on the wall across the room so it was the first thing I saw everyday when I opened my eyes. It gave me so much inspiration…
Laura recently posted..A Run and A Rant
I love that you wrote this and I hope it helped you, too, by getting all your thoughts written out. Many, many parallels to the relationship I ended in August… so many, wow. Even though it was 4 years, you are so brave and mature to realize what is and isn’t right for you now. xoxo
<3 you Katie!
I went through something similar after dating my hs sweetheart for almost 8 years…sometimes the hardest things in life, are the things we have to do. You’re going to be just fine, i can feel it.
Melissa @ TryingToHeal recently posted..Whatchyamacallit
You are really brave for doing this AND for sharing it. Thank you.
You are SO lucky to have realized all of this before you got married. I did not realize it until my marriage crumbled and I was divorced at 28. You are a smart, strong woman. As my yoga teacher says, “Keep going and keep growing.”
<3
Break-ups are hard… But you’re right, you WILL find a guy who completes you. Who makes you feel loved, cherished, and respected. No, guys aren’t perfect. But there is a guy out there who is perfect for you! Hugs and prayers!
Nicole recently posted..I lost my panic button…
Wow, you are strong and amazing for putting it out there-honesty and all…..kudos.
As trite as it sounds-I believe everything does happen for a reason. Now you will know what to look for and what you want out of your next relationship whenever it may be and with whomever. And you’re still young, I would love to be 25 again.
I remember reading that you were looking for an apartment but didnt know that you two were still living together! My ex who completely shattered my heart-we never lived together but we hung out a great deal after we broke up in college and when we would hang out-he would never act hurt or sad that we didn’t make it and that upset me. 7 years down the road, he admits that it does, ugh, boys.
Tiffany @ Simply Shaka recently posted..Return of the Sinii
Yeah, I assume Sean is hurt and upset…but he most certainly doesn’t show it. At first (and still sometimes) that did really hurt and upset me. Now, I’m over it… I can’t waste energy waiting for him to show some emotion ya know? Not worth it.
Not sure if you remember, but I also ended a four-year relationship around this time last year. He was a lot older than me, 8 years (which is a lot when you’re in your early 20s) and I was with him for essentially ALL of my university years. I consistently look back at my university experience and feel like it was “wasted” with him. I mean, it wasn’t really. We had some great times. But like you, after the first couple years I started getting that gut feeling that he wan’t a long-term thing. I don’t want to regret it, but sometimes I really do.
On the bright side – the world is your oyster. No, seriously. It’s time to do what YOU want to do. Get close with your friends again. Be reckless. Be selfish. LIVE LIFE. Being your true self will eventually attract the right kind of person to be with, and it will be a no-brainer when it happens xoxo
Susan recently posted..Vegan Waffles- Do Not Try This At Home
That’s exactly how I feel…that the world is my oyster. I can spin wildly into my next action–live life, be me, rejoice–all of it
. I do remember when you broke up with your boyfriend. And then–look at you now! Moved to a new city and you’ve experienced so much life in just one year. You give me some great hope 
I think it’s great that you were able to share your story. It’s great that you recognize what is best for you, and it sounds like it’s the best decision in the long run. You will find someone who will treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated!
Jessica recently posted..Creamy Celery Soup
Lisa,
I have a hell of a lot to say but I’m not sure I want to write it here where everyone can see it. Text, email, or even call me anytime. Until then, chin up (as lame as it sounds). Although its a little different situation when my mom died, I was sad, but actually relieved. No more worrying about chemo appointments, about the cancer spreading, etc. She was at piece. Sometimes, closing chapters in our lives is what make us stronger and help us build out character.
Anyhow, I’m proud of you for knowing and doing whats best for you.
Eden recently posted..Leftover Rice Waffles and Secrets of a Private Chef
I don’t think I’ve ever posted here before, although I’ve been a reader for awhile. Your story is incredible, and so is your strength. It beams right off the screen girl! It sounds like you’re on the right path, and although I can’t imagine how hard it must be, I’m so happy that you’re doing what is right for you. You are wise beyond your years my dear!
Holy moly I had to scroll down through some comments to get here!
Such a great post, because of two extremely wonderful key things:
1. You have realized YOUR growth as a person and understand what you need. (When it comes to love, there are so many people out there so in love with LOVE itself that they are afraid to look at the relationship in a healthy way.) You’re not SETTLING.
2. You are not, by any means, bitter. You’re ready to take on the world, you’re ready to allow yourself the happiness you deserve, and while he’s still someone you care about, you know it’s not him that can give you what you NEED. It’s hard to let go of something that’s lasted that long, especially when it’s enough time to make you comfortable…and your attitude shows you’re gonna do just fine.
Love you, Lis, and I sent you a message with my new number. I’m working on the whatsapp.
You are such a classy lady, Lisa and I wish nothing but the best for you. This is a story that is all too familiar for me as well. I dated the same guy for 4 years also (junior year of high school to junior year of college) and when it ended it was so hard. But now I look at my life with Keith and I realize that I had to go through that experience to make me appreciate the amazing man, marriage and love I do have. I am proud of you.
I’m really happy that you took control and did what you know is right. This post gave me a lot of perspective about my own life and relationships. I’ve never committed to a guy because there has never been anyone that has stood out to me. Sometimes I worry that I’m being too picky and that I’ll never find someone who meets my expectations but after reading this and seeing that you were 21 (like me) when you started dating him, I realize that I’m still young and I have to figure myself out before anything else. Thanks so much, your honesty is helpful to me and so many others.
Hilary recently posted..Digging Deep
Yes, you are still so young. Heck, I’m still young at 26. We both have plenty of time to figure out ourselves and find someone great for us.
It is extremely hard to do what needs done sometimes. Congratulations to you for realizing what you need in life and what you won’t accept as good enough. I have seen too many divorces with people who have been unhappy with each other since before their wedding and end up wasting half of their lives unhappy. It is very scary to let go of a companion but trust me when I say it is scarier to think you could be unhappy for the next 25 years.
Post made me cry lisa.. I know this all to well also.. I am so very proud of you for sticking up for yourself and putting your foot down though. I know you will be so much happier in every aspect.
Marlo recently posted..A Great Accomplishment and Interesting Facts
Good for you! Thank you for sharing this with everyone. You will find who you are meant to be with – a true partner who loves you!
Ah Lisa, <3
I went through a painful divorce when I was 25 and it was the exact same situation. After six years of being with him, it was horribly painful and life changing. I just want you to know that there is life after this kind of change and that life is pretty damn amazing, girl.
Jasmine recently posted..War of the Roses
You deserve someone who loves you completely and without hesitation and like you said, someone who will do something you love though he may not dig it. You’re an amazing person. I’ve been there where things just don’t feel right but change is scary. But once you take the leap like you have done, the world has endless possibilities!
I started to tear up from this blog. I ended a six year relationship, that went alittle like this as well.
I hope the best for both of us, and know everything happens for a reason.
It takes INCREDIBLE strength and heart to end something after realizing it isn’t right. I hope you know that. You are closer to getting all you deserve…and that is SO much. Keep your head up. You are beautiful, strong and should never settle! A thousand hugs to you xo
you are wise beyond your years! Before I was married, I was in your same boat! I went through the same thing. I cannot tell you how amazing it to read then and know what your confidence, your beliefs, and your faith in yourself will and has brought you into a new chapter of your life. A chapter that leads to self worth and happiness. Amen to that!
lindsay recently posted..The Weekend Special
Gosh. Where do I even begin? Maybe with the fact that I’m fighting back tears at this very moment…?
I was you. I did what you just did. You ARE doing the right thing, I am positive of it (even though it doesn’t seem like you need that assurance, which is a great thing).
People always say I’m crazy for what I’m about to say, but I personally think it’s more difficult to break up with someone than to be broken up with. As painful as being dumped is…that’s that…and there’s not much you can do. But the mental anguish that comes with deciding whether or not to end things with someone you *do* love…sometimes I wonder how I even got through it. It’s especially difficult when, like you said, there wasn’t anything particularly wrong.
Although no two people are the same, I do want to share with you what happened to me after the fact. My biggest fear was that I would regret ending things and not be able to undo it. The good news is that no matter how much it hurt, I never regretted it. I haven’t had feelings for a single person since it all went down over a year ago, and even then I *still* don’t regret it. The more time that passes by, the more I realize that I truly would rather be alone than be in the wrong relationship. And if that didn’t sound horrible enough, this will: my hope for the future – no matter how unsure it may be – is a better and more exhilarating feeling than anything I experienced over my 5ish year relationship (obviously I didn’t realize that at the time, so I’m really not THAT evil…).
I think that what it all comes down to is a yearning desire in all of us to LOVE and to BE LOVED. You can’t have one without the other. So if there is ever any doubt, which clearly there was, it’s time to move on.
THANK YOU for this post. I had forgotten what a life-shaping experience my own breakup was. As tough of a process as it was, there’s nothing more empowering and exciting than taking charge of my/our future(s) and thriving on the unknown outcome(s)….which I can’t help but think is going to be nothing sure of amazing!!
Sorry, I am a little late reading this. But I had to comment. You are so strong by doing whats best for you! But I wouldn’t think of it as 4 years gone…its 4 years that took you to realize who you are and who and what you want out of a life partner! That says a whole lot of something!! You now know what exactly you are looking for and the next guy you meet it may/may not be the one but it won’t take you long to figure out if they are/aren’t. I have been in your situation a few times and change is tough and I lived with someone while we were broken up too while trying to find a place to live (the ex acted the same way, and it bothered me too). It will be so good for you to get your own place to start calling home and truely be away from him…
This was said perfectly. You are making me realize my ex is not worth the fight. We have been apart for a while but in my head I want him back. But I know I would have to fight for him. He has a hard time opening up ( ssomthing I need) does not express his feelings and is not willing to do things just for the sake of doing it with me. We need this! You got this Lisa! Love you! <3
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Glad you realized what was right for you and had the courage to follow through. Been there myself, and while it seems tough at first, life will get even better now!
Oh Lisa, I feel for you….this is such a hard transition. I am so proud of the decisions you have made though, you are going to be FINE. I know it. You will grow so much from this. But I do feel sadness, I just know how hard this is…I’m here if you need me!!
Dear Lord Lisa I am so proud of you. I haven’t wanted to say anything but inside I’ve been screaming for you to get out of that relationship because I see so much of myself in you – only I never had the courage to leave before marrying my husband. Now more than ever I feel trapped and alone – moreso when I’m with him than without. There’s nothing wrong with our relationship either, but there’s a lot that isn’t right. My husband isn’t a bad guy and he hasn’t changed…the problem is that I have, and what I wanted when I was 25-26 years old is no longer what I want right now.
Good for you…I’m so happy for you. Perhaps this will give me the courage I need to face my fears…
PS…I think I’m going to steal one or two of your quotes..if that’s ok?
Reading this story reminded me of of where I was just 2 years ago.
I was with my ex for 4 years, we lived together and even bought a house together.
Nothing was wrong with us, but things just didn’t seem right either. I couldn’t explain it to anyone until a few months after we broke up, I looked back and I was able to reflect.
The whole year I lived on my own after we broke up….was the year I grew up the most and spent the most time taking care of me. I found a place that was perfect for me, it was cute and warm and comforting and after I came home from work….I just felt so relaxed. I wrote every day on my journal and it helped a lot.
My friends even commented that they can see the real me and the more relax me.
I met my fiance a few months after the break-up and when you have been in relationships and learned thru experience the things that you don’t want….you will know what you want and will recognize it in your future partner.
Keep up a positive attitude and you will attract the same.
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So glad you didn’t settle for something your heart didn’t feel was right. I have multiple friends who are married and miserable because they felt these same things but refused to act on them. Now they are married, some have children, and just now questioning if they ever loved their partner to begin with. You my friend will never go through that because you are so much stronger and in touch with your emotions. Never stop listening to that intuition!
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I am so very proud of you and I love you, girl. You picked you and that is the hardest and best thing we can ever do for ourselves.
Hi!
I stumbled upon your blog the other day when Julie from PBFingers tweeted this entry. While reading, I literally sat with my mouth open, feeling it in my chest, even getting a little emotional, and forwarded your blog to a few friends who, after reading your story, ALL said….omg, did YOU write this?!
Lots of similarities, although every situation is always different.
I was madly in love with a guy I dated for 4 years. On that last year, we were living together. He was EVERYTHING I had thought that I wanted….VERY attractive, smart, an athlete, fun, came from a wonderful family, etc. I had him on a pedestal, despite the fact that he hardly ever said I love you, was not very affectionate, didn’t communicate with me very well, just wasn’t very emotional in general, hardly wanted to go out on dates with me or hang out with my friends (we didn’t have mutual friends…his friends were HIS friends, that was HIS time, even though they all loved be and wondered why he didn’t bring me around more). Everything was….fine! Not great, but not horrible. I was definitely jealous of really flirty, fun couples, when he and I just looked like we were friends when we did go out together. His family all had talked to him about why he was the way he was regarding me but…it is just who he is! I kept thinking that he would change…he would grow up, he would realize how much I meant to him, things would change once he graduated college and most of his crazy hockey buddies had moved, things would change once I had a job/continued having my OWN life….things never ever changed, and I don’t know if they ever will with him. There’s nothing WRONG with him…it just wasn’t what I wanted and what I knew I deserved, especially after everything that I had sacrificed for him. It was all give on my end, all take on his.
The last few months had been rough, but I was still completely blindsided when HE was the one to break it off because “there’s a reason why I treat you the [not good!] way I do and its not fair…and I need to figure that out.” It broke my heart, I was a wreck for two solid weeks (really, much longer than that, but those two weeks felt like an eternity and were AWFUL), and I didn’t understand WHY. Why couldn’t he just love me? Why couldn’t he see how good I was for him?
Here’s the thing. He was perfectly content the way things were. I was the one that was unhappy so many times, always yearning for more, yet I was the one that always pulled us back together and figured that one day, it would all get better. Yes, I was great to him…but he honestly was not the right man for me, whether I wanted him or not. He didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for him. I wish that I had the courage to do what you did. I should have left a long time before he eventually broke it off because something was off. Reading your experience really articulated why I felt the way I did, and why I put up with it for as long as I did….I always had a hard time putting it all into words, and reading your wise words put me at ease and even created a bit of closure for me, too. Also, it’s nice to know you’re not the only one out there going through these horrible ordeals.
You are so mature, and did the right thing….I wish I had your wisdom ten months ago when I was attempting to endure my breakup. I was not thinking about what was good for me, and just wanted, so badly, for him to realize how much he wanted me back. Thank goodness he stayed away, and I truly am happy that he broke it off.
I am so glad he did, because I would’ve 100% stayed in the relationship, at least for a while….and who knows, if we had gotten married and had kids, and THEN he let these “I’m not sure if this is what’s good for both of us” feelings resurface….ugh, it’s hard to even think about. The last month of our lease when we still lived together was hell for me…especially seeing his lack of emotion. It was like he didn’t even care! Even still, I hardly hear from him. His family loves me and still stays in touch, but to him, it is like I never existed. Hard, but necessary. I moved out of our house in Tucson, AZ and am back in New Jersey, surrounded by supportive family and friends who love me.
Since then, I have been on some awful, hilarious, funny dates (seriously. I could write a book on my experiences), but after what I have gone through, I am increasingly picky and have set high standards, because I KNOW what I can be for a partner, and what I deserve. I have learned what I won’t put up with anymore, and how I will not just settle. I have been dating a guy casually for a few months now, and he has changed my outlook on men. He is goofy and silly with me. He may not be physically what I thought I had wanted, but he is adorable, and we have so much in common its unreal. He is super smart, witty, and genuinely is interested in my work, interests, and passions. We teach each other things, and he actually enjoys planning fun things with me, like checking out new art exhibits, going to fun museums, trying new restaurants and bars, etc. We have so much fun together, it’s unreal…and effortless! He supports me 100% in everything I choose to do, and makes me feel special on a daily basis. Finding someone who knows nothing about what I do but absolutely loves my art and wants to learn about it and has intelligent conversations with me about the things that I love, as well as what he loves…that’s a dream. Who knows where it will go, but it is so satisfying knowing that there are people out there who are willing to compromise with you, communicate with you, and just be on your level…and have SO much FUN with you! And be equally passionate about so many things. It’s nice to truly, wholly enjoy someone’s company, and know that it is reciprocated. They are out there, and we deserve it!
Thanks again, and sorry for the long comment….it just really hit home with me. I will be a regular reader of your blog now! I hope to start up my own soon. Good luck in all your future endeavors, you seem like an awesome, strong, talented woman!
Well holy moly. First of all, thanks for the thoughtful comment! I DO see so many similiarities between our situations. Where to start??
“VERY attractive, smart, an athlete, fun, came from a wonderful family, etc. I had him on a pedestal, despite the fact that he hardly ever said I love you, was not very affectionate, didn’t communicate with me very well, just wasn’t very emotional in general, hardly wanted to go out on dates with me”
Yes and yes. I was so attracted to him and honestly loved the way he looked. That was such a huge sticking point for me at the beginning. He took care of his body, was healthy, was an athlete–all that. He was fun loving and calm. His parents had been married 35 years–I thought I had hit the jackpot. But, like oyu said–he hardly said I love you, didnt want to go on dates or do things, wasn’t affectionate. And like you said–I was always jealous of other couples. I always wondered why we werent the same or why I didnt have what they had? So, I started doing whatever I could to get that with him. Obviously, as we both learned, that never worked.
He was also very content in the relationship. but, of course he was, he (like your ex) was getting EVERYTHING he wanted and needed from us and they didn’t have to give anything in return. It was perfect for them for a long time–that is, until we started asked and demanding more. I can’t tell you how many times we talked about me needing more, and then never seeing it, and then just letting it go. Years of that.
I won’t lie. There were times I wish he would’ve broken it off with me–just to make it easier. I didn’t think I had the courage to do it for a long time.
Your relationship that you have now with the new guy is exactly what I want. Honestly, I have no doubts that I can have that someday. I know it’s out there. And like you–my long relationship that didn’t work taught me SO Much about what I don’t want…and like you, if I see any inkling of a guy treating me or showing some of the same characteristics as ex, then I will run away pretty quickly. No point in going over all that again ya know?
Anyways–thanks for the comment and please stick around. If you start your own, please either comment with the link or email it to me ok?!
This is the first time coming to your page (I found it through PBF today), and words cannot explain how I felt upon reading this post. The situation you mention could not be any more similar to the one I am currently facing. I’m only 20, and my bf and I just recently celebrated our 4 year ‘anniversary’. Like you, I have spent the last four years of my life with someone who doesn’t make me as happy as I would like to be. The problem for me is I’d rather be somewhat miserable dating him, then completely miserable without him. I know, I know, it’s sounds very stupid, but I’m the type of girl you read about in Cosmo articles: in my mind, I’m telling myself that once we break up, my life is basically over. I’m telling myself that I’ll never find anyone as ‘good enough’ as my bf, and that is what stops me every time.
I don’t want to write a book, so I’ll end by saying this was a great post. Hopefully one day I’ll learn from you…
Sam,
Thanks for coming by. Honestly, at 20, I would have been thinking the same thing that you are. I think those thoughts are why I held on to the relationship for so long. I’m 26 now and I definitely wish that I would have had the guts, strength and courage to speak up and demand the happiness that I want when I first started questiong things. He is a great guy—just not my guy. Just always remember what you are worth and what you deserve. You deserve everything you ever wanted. Why settle for less when you could have it all?! I guess I realized that I’d rather be happy alone, then somewhat unhappy dating someone. Trust me–there’s a guy out there who is everything you’d ever want. But, I understand how hard it is to be ok with what you are feeling and do something about it. Just know that you aren’t alone. If you ever need to talk more in depth or just vent, feel free to email me ok?
wow… this entry was VERY eye-opening… i’m so happy for you, and i just now discovered this blog!
Girl, I’m so impressed and so inspired by your authenticity.
I’ve been going through a two year breakup, and it’s so hard for me to differentiate what I should and shouldn’t be including on here. I’ve kept my emotions out of my blog, but your courage here really makes me want to put it all out there.
I’m prouda you!
You’re gonna find your happiness real soon.
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Yes, sometime’s its very hard to decide how much I should put on my blog. The thing that makes me share, be open, and be honest is the support I receive because of it. I’ve put my feelings out here on the blog throughout the breakup (and prior to it) and the emails, commentts and love I get from me sharing has REALLY helped me get through it.
oh, and if you ever need someone to vent to…feel free to email me. Good luck!
I want you to know I’m about as tough as they come..and I spent the last year in a volatile, dysfunctional, miserable relationship (that I couldn’t get out of because I loved him more than anything). I am now in day 2 of the “trying to move on without seeing or talking to him” phase…and your story INSPIRED ME. It really made me feel a little better and I know you have amazing things ahead of you….stay strong and learn from this – never settle ! You can’t change someone…when it’s right you will not have anything you need to change (except of course maybe getting the guy to not leave dishes in the sink:)
Best of luck to you! clearly a lot of people are behind you here!!
Amazing post!
Hi, I have never been to your blog before. I actually just saw the link on pbfingers.com and decided to check it out. I just wanted to tell you that I just went through (or started to go through) a really bad breakup this past weekend and seeing your story really put my situation in a new perspective. Thank you so much for posting this, I really needed it and I think that fate brought me to your blog today.
Wow, this is so powerful. While i’m not going through the exact situation I am going through a time in my life where I am putting my foot down and claiming that I deserve better. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal, it’s pushing me to do the right thing for myself.
Good for you for putting your foot down. That’s the first step!
I broke up with an amazing guy after two years in December for very similar reasons. Things were okay, he was nice, but it wasn’t RIGHT. I FINALLY put myself out there and started to date a few weeks ago and this amazing guy has just sort of fallen into my lap. Spending time with him and how we are around each other has just reinforced my decision. It was so incredibly tough, and more than a few tears were shed, but to be THIS happy right now? Worth every second.
Madeline – Greens and Jeans recently posted..things I know
Just catching up – I’m sorry and I hope you’re doing better! I think you made the right choice.
I loved that you were able to share your story and tell it so eloquently. My best friend sent me this post, knowing I would recognize your words instantly. I recently had to make a similar relationship choice, and wrote about it as well: http://www.bohemiaandbull.com/2011/02/independence-and-butterflies.html
Thanks for telling your story, it was nice to come here and feel not alone.
Aw! I love Lo and I’m glad she directed me to your blog. I am about to click on the link you gave and can’t wait to read it. I’m glad you found the courage to be strong though and do what is right for you!
it does take guts and you’ll be better off in the long run. i ended a 1.5 year relationship about 7 months ago.
my ex is a full time law student. he always used that as an excuse. i always heard ‘i’m a full time student, etc, i’m going to spend my free time how i want’. he was always justifying his actions and would never admit when he did something wrong. instead he handled it all in an immature way by making comments to turn things back on me. my family loved him. everyone does. except they didn’t see how he treated me in private. it baffled me.
after a while i started to think that my expectations were too high, however, they aren’t. expecting someone to follow through with what they say using their actions isn’t a high standard. to me if you’re in a relationship you should be able to count on someone even with the small less important things. for him it was too much- he would always tell me i was too good for him… unfortunately at 31 he acts like a child and he will never grow up!!
i decided i wasn’t willing to wait another 1.5 years for him to finish school just to see if he would include me in his life more. all i got was ‘it’s not my goal not to have you in my life’ when i asked where he saw us in the future. come to find out he didn’t think he would get through law school with a serious girlfriend but after 1.5 years he wasn’t ‘man’ enough to tell me that. ironically he was the one to say i love you first.
after all this he had a new girlfriend a month after we broke up!!
Rachel,
Thanks for your comment! It sounds like you absolutely did the right thing—and the fact that he found someone to replace you so quickly just proves that. you deserve more and it sounds like you are on your way to getting it. Now, just enjoy being single and doing YOU!
I found your blog today via PBFingers, I knew I had to read your story. Your words hit me to my core, I experienced everything you described only I made the mistake to marry the guy despite the red flags. Only to find it could get so much worse….
15 months ago I made the heartbreaking decision to leave him after 10 years. My entire 20′s… when you describe the relief you felt…oh girl, I felt it so much.
Months upon months in counseling and support groups to really heal myself and create the path that I want to live in life… I met my life partner, the one that I feel that true intimacy you describe (and one that I felt that intimacy with mentally first and foremost…). My best friend in the entire World. Wow…
Thank you for blogging about your Story. I’m glad that I found your blog.
Danielle,
Thanks so much for commenting! I love hearing stories like this. Stories of courage, self-respect, and getting what you want in life. I love your story even more because you were lucky enough to meet the person you were supposed to be with!
Good luck and hope you stick around.
Thank you for always being so open and honest on your blog. I’m seriously relating to this post right now and I’m finding comfort in knowing that I’m not alone, and that things will eventually work themselves out.
Diana @ My Little Part recently posted..I Can Do Anything
I had no idea any of this was going on
. You wanna get together sometime soon?? 
It’s relatively recent but has been accumulating for the past year or so. I honestly felt such a sigh of relief when you originally posted this – I just didn’t have the courage to really accept it. But more about that later. Yes, I would love to get together… I am pretty much free at anytime this week so just let me know when you are! Text or email me.
Diana @ My Little Part recently posted..I Can Do Anything
I know I am responding to this late, but I wanted to give you encouragement for making the right decision. I married a similar guy when I was 21, out of fear of “losing” him as a friend. We eloped. I know that sounds stupid, but when I was 21 I was stupid. Now it is 7 years later and our relationship is cold, non-existent. We do not have an intimate relationship and we live like roommates. Yes we get along OK, “most of the time” but I regret it daily, and pray for forgiveness for marrying someone that wasn’t “God’s best” for me. May you continue to wait for the one that he has for you.
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