My Chemical Pregnancy

I’m an open book and believe that people should tell their stories. No matter your background, people can find things that they connect with in your stories. What a better feeling than to have your story (no matter how painful, heartbreaking or joyous) touch others?

Pregnancy loss is an area that people don’t talk about. Why is it kept so silent? Just like I opened up about the realities of suicide, I want to get the issue of my pregnancy loss out into the open.

I’ve already gone through this and experienced all of the emotions associated with it. I’ve had years to reflect on it and now it’s time to share with others.

I have referenced it in the past on my blog, but have never fully opened up about it nor have I thought to. However, I received an email from a reader and she had mentioned she had gone through the very same thing and it’s a loss that most people do not understand. We have been emailing back and forth regarding our story and it feels great to share it with someone who  ”gets it.” My hope is that someone out there, who feels alone in his/her loss, can find some solace that other people understand and that you can get past it.

I’ve been pregnant before. It only lasted about 3 weeks or so.

I won’t tell the who’s or what’s or when’s of the story, but I will tell you how I felt.

First, let’s go over what a chemical pregnancy is.

A chemical pregnancy is the earliest form of a miscarriage. Many women do have chemical pregnancies (some say 50% in fact), but just don’t know it because they don’t take a pregnancy test early enough. They just think their period was very late and heavier than other periods.

I was feeling a little off, and knew that something wasn’t right with my body. I didn’t have to typical “pregnancy symptons”, but something just felt different. When I was a day late, I went to the store for a few tests.

I took the first one….

Positive.

My heart stated to race. It wasn’t the right time for me and I was shocked and scared.

I took another test: Positive. A few days later…I took another test…positive. Reality started to sink in that I was going to be a mother. I was in college and knew that it would be ok…but I also knew that I wasn’t ready for it.

About a week later, I decided I better go to the doctor. I went to Planned Parenthood because I wasn’t sure of where else to go. I wasn’t ready to tell my mom yet, so I did not want to go to my normal OBGYN.

I told them I had received a couple of Positive pregnancy tests and wanted to begin to get some more information. I took another urine test there and the test came back…

NEGATIVE.

What?! I had told them I had taken at least two pregnancy tests at home that turned out positive. We all know that false positives don’t happen. They had me take a blood test to confirm the pregnancy.

It came back positive. 

Was I or wasn’t I pregnant? They assured me that I was pregnant because blood tests are the most sensitive. I got information and went home and let it all sink in. This was really happening. I cried for awhile, then became excited for a while. I started to picture what my baby would be like…is it a girl..is it a boy? What will my life be like?!

I distinctly remember laying in the bathtub one night relaxing and putting my hands on my stomach. I had this great sensation of pure life come over me. It was very special and at that moment I realized that I had bonded and connected with this baby growing inside of me. I realized it was going to be ok…and as crazy as it sounds…was convinced I was going to have a boy. I could feel it.

A few days later (honestly, I don’t remember the time table so well anymore) I started to get really horrible cramps and began to get very scared. I didn’t know what was happening and I wasn’t sure if this was a normal thing or not. The blood eventually came. At that moment, I knew something was wrong and I knew that it was over.

I was sitting in the toilet when the world’s largest “clot” passed and I knew that was the beginnings of my baby going down the drain.

A short sense of relief came over me initially. I knew that I wasn’t ready, but I also knew that I could have done it. That only lasted a few seconds and then the real pain washed over me.

People don’t understand chemical pregnancies. They say it “doesn’t count” because the pregnancy was so young. That somehow since I was only pregnant for a few weeks that it makes my feelings invalid. Somehow, I shouldn’t be grieving because it was hardly a baby at all.

My friends, that’s not how it works. It was at that moment when I saw that massive clot pass that I knew I was meant to be a mother someday. God was just letting me know that it wasn’t my time and that it wasn’t right. I said a prayer to God to always protect me…and then I asked Him to prepare me to be the best mother someday when the time is right.

I experienced a great sadness and feelings of loss. All of the excitement that started to build in my heart was taken away. All of those images of my baby were gone. I truly felt like a part of me that I had connected with so deeply was gone. 

The hardest part was that the grief and the mourning was dealt with alone. At the time, I had only told a close friend because I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. I didn’t know how to explain what had happened in words that people could understand.

This is my way of letting people know out there, who haven’t shared this with others, that there are people out there who do understand your pain…so open up to those people and let them console you.

I quickly told my mom after this because I can’t go through things like this without my mother. Plus, planned parenthood scared me and told me to go to the Emergency Room immediately to get a D & C (a procedure that is performed after women have a miscarriage in the first trimester). I knew I couldn’t handle doing that on my own, so my mom came to the rescue.

I got an appointment with my OBGYN and she explained that I wasn’t going to be needed a procedure. She also explained to me that the chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage, was nothing that I did.

Most chemical pregnancies are due to chromosomal problems in the developing fetus. My baby wasn’t able to make it into the world, so God did what he does best…protect me and the baby.

It was a time in my life that I will never forget. That moment in my bathtub with my hands on my stomach when I fully bonded with what was inside me. Or the moment sitting on the toilet when I saw it all pass away. Or the moment where I realized that I am going to be a mother someday.

For a while, I wanted to get a tattoo to commemorate this loss. I was thinking perhaps the astrological sign of the baby’s due date..or something like that. After a while, I decided it was something I didn’t want because the pregnancy and the baby is already commemorated everyday in my heart.

I understand why pregnant women glow…it’s such a beautiful feeling.

I know that having a baby will happen for me someday when the time is right (which it isn’t) and I look forward to the day when I get to see what that little bundle of joy comes into the world. I can’t wait to feel that connected with my baby again.