That title sure makes you want to read this post, doesn’t it? Ha.
I’ve said time and time again that I would chronicle some of my experience in nursing school. I’ve talked about the day I got into nursing school and the accomplishment I felt, why I chose nursing, inserting IV’s, doing my first venipuncture, and cleaning up shit.
Nursing school has been all fun until today. Sure, it’s been hard and I am usually incredibly stressed, but I always have fun in the process of it. I love the ladies I’ve met. I’ve loved being able to learn new things and being able to care for patients in the hospital.
I always knew that as a nurse I would have to experience death on a regular basis. I thought I could handle it. I consider myself pretty tough emotionally and I’ve always felt like I am able to shut myself off pretty well emotionally when I need to. I can disconnect in a heartbeat. I’ve had people close to me die and I’ve always been able to handle it. Of course, I cry and deal with it in the usual way that people grieve. However, I am always able to find some greater meaning in things and it always brings me a sense of peace.
We will all die eventually. I’m not scared of death and even believe the process can be a beautiful thing if it all works out the way we want to.
I worked with an admissions nurse at a hospice facility today. The day started off wonderfully. We went to a home visit to evaluate an elderly man to see if he was eligible for hospice care. His entire family was present. His wife, brother, children, and grandchildren. They were all present to support him, care for him, and love on him through this process. There were tears, laughs, and tense moments. I felt the love in that room and that’s when I realized that death isn’t always bad. It’s natural. I loved being able to hug a family member and let them cry on my shoulder for those few moments. I felt honored that they allowed me to be a part of the process.
The day took a downward turn when we got into the hospital. A family was there really struggling with the imminent death of their family member. One family member was ready to let their loved one go. He didn’t want her to be in pain anymore and wanted her to feel that peace that she hadn’t felt in years. He spoke to me about their live together and how much he loved her and realized that letting her go was the last gift he could give to her in this life.
Another family member couldn’t accept the fact that her loved one was struggling and would die soon. It was too much for her and the reality to her wasn’t happening. My heart ached for her. I wanted to grab her and hug her and let her squeeze me tight and take all of her frustrations out on me. However, she was understandably angry, hurting, and confused and didn’t want to be near anyone.
As the day progressed, her condition worsened and worsened. The dreaded death rattle was present and I knew there wasn’t much time left. It was incredibly hard to watch the next minutes unfold. I had never seen such pain and such relief in one hospital room as this patient began to pass.
I felt like I was intruding on some moment that I shouldn’t be apart of. I felt like I was butting into someone’s private family life when I saw them in so much pain. A family member reached out to me and I did the best I could to comfort, but simply felt like I fell short.
I held it together until I got into the car. I broke down and started to cry. I immediately called Chad, (who had a wonderful day by the way…read this and this if you’re curious) and he said some sweet words that made me feel just a little better.
Days like today make me think of my loved ones. I feel strongly about the fact that someday I’d like to take care of my parents. I’d like to be with him and be whatever they need as they cross over to the other side. It’s something that is near and dear to my heart and very important to me. It’s part of the process of life.
It also made me think of my death someday. Of course, I hope that it happens when I am gray and have lived a full wonderful life. I hope that I have loved ones around me holding my hand. Squeezing me tight. I hope I can be at home and away from the loud machines that beep at the hospital. I want to be surrounded my warmth and light and not surrounded by a cold and sterile environment. I’ll never know what my future holds for me, but I know that I am not scared of my final moments and I hope that my loved ones will be able to let go and usher me forward.
It’s yet another reminder to live the life you want. Everything in life is only for now—better love it.
I surprised myself today. I never thought I would get this affected by patients. I know that as a nurse I will see this all too often and my skin will have to become thicker and I will have to learn to separate myself. I guess that’s something I need to work on.
I realize this is incredibly deep and depressing, but I needed to get this out tonight. I’ve had a pit in my stomach for a few hours and it needs to work itself out.
I know this isn’t what people want to read. However, I can only be myself and blog about what is in my heart at the moment.
The good, the bad, and the depressing.
{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
I have thought about death as I have seen people around me come and go. I wish as a society we talked about this more, because it happens to every single one of us and we can all help each other.
<3 This is exactly why I love your blog!
Thanks Sana! I think if people were able to talk about death, it wouldn’t be such a scary topic.
talking about death would help to make it less scary. I agree.
Hey Lisa,
This is the first blog post of yours I’ve read (relatively new to the blogworld and all) and though it may have been more of a depressing note, just know that it moved me, and that I can relate. I work at a vet clinic part-time, (full time student) and I remember witnessing my first euthanization. In no way am I comparing emotions or experiences, but I can emphasize.
I guess my two cents here is: thank you for sharing, and that hey, you’re okay. It’s just one of those things that force us to realize our humanity, and help us grow through life. Don’t forget the positives, too. Take care and thanks again!
PS: I hope I didn’t overstep any boundaries here, or offend you or anyone.
Eva @LittleMissGymRat recently posted..ART: Meditation
Oh man, I would have a hard time with euthanization as well. Something VERY VERY tough to see. Please don’t belittle that experience.
And you most certainly did not offend me or overstep any boundaries. I don’t think boundaries really exist on my blog. I hope you take some time to read OTHER posts of mine and see that they aren’t all about dying and depressing things.
Thank you.
For what it’s worth, I have found it harder to let my animal loved ones go this way than when my human loved ones passed away. Maybe because we humans can speak the same language, but with my furries, I can only hope they know the unfathomable depth of love I have for them at that moment.
I have to go hug my dog until she squirms now!
‘Dee @ ‘Dee’s Garret recently posted..So…Where Were We?
I know what you mean about your pets. I always hope my dog knows how much I care for him and I show him I do in every way possible. I think they can sense it. They know it and they know the connection.
when i lived home in fl, i volunteered at the local hospice center. i remember going through these very hard, sad times with families. and have experienced this battle of letting go and fight in my own family. it is not easy and i give every nurse out there all the respect and admiration in the world with what they have to deal with daily.
hugs!
Thank you!
Lisa,
I think this is a great post. I think its real, and I can appreciate that. The blogging world (and real one) isn’t all sunshine and kittens. I enjoy your posts about nursing school. As a former medical major, it is really neat to hear your experience!
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Lisa, thank you so much for posting this and sharing what you are feeling after that process! I was in a hospital all last week for some fieldwork and listened to the desperate cries of a wife who can’t decide whether or not to take her husband off life support. I totally understand how you could have been affected by what you witnessed today because I was greatly impacted and I too cried when I left. I know that in both of our careers death will be something that comes with the territory, but in a way, I’m not sure I ever want my skin to get too thick; I want to be able to show people that I truly care and I don’t ever want to seem “cold” because I am no longer affected by death (if that makes sense). I hope your night gets better and I’m glad that you have a great guy to help comfort you!
Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health recently posted..Eating Veggies
This is why I love your blog, Lisa. You really let us in. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks tamar. I appreciate it.
wow. That must’ve been incredibly heavy. I don’t think I could handle it. Your strength is inspiring, Lisa!
debbie recently posted..tribute thursday (yes, it’s back people!) – tapper
I hate to say this but no matter how long you’re in nursing or how thick you’re skin grows, there will still be clients who get inside and touch your soul. In my case, it was a young man who was the victim of a racially motivated attack. He survived although it was with severe brain damage leading to him having a permanent disability. He was at the beginning of his life, an apprentice in a field he loved and a hockey player, with a girlfriend who loved him and a younger brother who worshiped him. It was the dead of winter and I’d leave work at night and walk the 20 minutes to the subway in the dark and cry the entire way.
But that’s ok. Because it’s that compassion and empathy and human touch that takes you from being a good nurse to being an excellent one. People can be taught clinical skills but you can’t be taught how to care, and that you’ve got, in spades.
Amen!
Tiffany @ texan on the run recently posted..cuteness overload
My father-in-law passed away (very suddenly) from leukemia last year and I have to say that it was the compassion and empathy of the nurses who held my husband and his family together. They helped explain everything that was going on, they kept the situation light and added much needed (appropriate) humor to a very dreadful situation, and in the end they held my step-mother-in-laws hand. You WILL get a thicker skin – but it is OK if you are human and find a place in your heart for your patients and their families.
When I think about my FIL’s death I DON’T think about how horrible and sad it was – I think about the wonderful people who were there for my family and I KNOW that’s the kind of nurse you are going to be.
*Hugs*
Michelle recently posted..Let’s Get This Show On The Road
This post really touched on something in me tonight… my 80 year old grandfather got diagnosed with myleofibrosis today, which is sort of like a type of rare, untreatable leukemia, which means that they are just going to have to treat the symptoms of nausea and pain. What I am scared the most of with this situation is that something bad will happen when he is home by himself and we are all at work and he just dies alone. I know that sounds terrible, I don’t feel like I can say it to my mom or aunt, or even my husband for some reason.
I know he has to go eventually, but I just… I can’t imagine it being some sort of thing that happens and we don’t even get to say goodbye for real. I don’t know how people freaking handle it when they lose people tragically, instantly, and they had no idea that they’d never be able to see or talk to that person again.
You’re so strong for being able to stand there and be there for them even a little bit, and they are so lucky to be able to be with their family member like that and not… find them somewhere. God. I can’t imagine the horror. Ugh. I am so sorry for word-vomiting my emotions all over your comments.
April recently posted..How To Eat Well Even During Super Busy Weeks
Hey Lisa, I am a nurse myself and love reading your posts about nursing school. I have been a nurse for four years now. I work in pediatric oncology so unfortunately I am surrounded by kids that die or are close to dying. It is very difficult but I understand how you feel about almost being grateful that these families allow you to be a part of such an intimate moment. I don’t think the death of patient’s will ever get easy and I actually think it makes us all the more human because it is sad and it should have some affect. I love being a nurse even though some days are harder than others.
I volunteered at a comfort care home for a few months in college, but it was just too big and hard and scary to deal with when I was 19 so I stopped. Now I’m hoping to become a midwife, and I know it’s going to have big hard scary moments, but I’ll be up for it. I know what you mean about the intimacy though- I’m a student doula, but it’s hard to imagine attending the birth of a family I’d know purely as a professional because it is so intimate and special. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now though, and even though we’ve never met, I think you’re going to be an amazing nurse, and I’m sure those families were glad you were there. It’s hard, but I think it’s important that you feel for those people, and that’s what’s going to make you so great at your job.
Caroline recently posted..Thanks for the memories
Lisa, although you have lost people close to you, you have not witnessed death in person. I have not and can only imagine. I can tell you that you are a kind loving person and I know you were a help to those in that room. It is one of lifes most intimate moments and this family shared it with you. One the most awesome things about you is your giving nature and your ability to love soooooo fully, don’t allow yourself to not feel these moments. Sometimes for reasons beyond what we know or understand, people come into our lives and touch us in ways we could never imagine. I always think it is because I need to learn something. Even though it is sad is sounds like this person led a full life and was loved dearly. In the end all we have is our family and close friends. I am honored and blessed to know that you will take care of me and hold my hand when I need it:)
Denise recently posted..CARD SALE
I also wanted to say that recent events in your personal life have finally allowed you to be the emotionally honest and open person you were meant to be. I think you have found your safe place:)
Denise recently posted..CARD SALE
Wow… what an intense day emotionally. I imagine that you may have felt like you fell short of giving the comfort they needed but I guarantee you they were grateful to have what comfort you gave them. I often felt this way when I worked for the hospice in Norman before moving to Utah. I was in charge of setting up volunteers with patients and giving them activities to do. It was often hard seeing what the patients were going through and having patients pass in-between my weekly visits. I often got teary after leaving nursing homes or the patient’s home but I just reminded myself that I was hopefully making their last days as positive, relaxing and enjoyable as they deserved and I know that nurses do the same.
Meg recently posted..Gift-a-holic
You definitely do need a hug after your day!
I think that its great that you talk about it and express your feelings towards it. Atleast you are human and not a machine going through the motions with patients.
You said it best “It’s yet another reminder to live the life you want. Everything in life is only for now—better love it.”
Beautiful post. Death is part of the job that a lot of people don’t think about. It’s just something pushed to the back of your mind.
Liz @ Tip Top Shape recently posted..Things I’m Loving
Lisa – that was beautifully written. Sad and lovely at the same time. I have been with a lot of family as they make their way into the next life – it’s always hard and I miss them, but know they’re out of pain and in a better place.
Your caring is what’s going to make you an outstanding nurse!
Ann recently posted..Cherry Walnut Pancakes with Maple Yogurt Creme
Excellent post and you’re right, IT’S REAL! I’ve worked with a variety of patients/clients and death is the hardest part. In my experience, there are certain patients that passed in peace and led to me feeling peaceful as well. There were other moments, like the one you describe above, that are confusing and scary and sad. And at some point, you will lose a very dear patient and that loss will change you. It may inspire you to focus your energies on certain populations, take up research as a hobby, care with extra gusto, or make it difficult to open up as you did before.
Never feel as though you fall short or offer up the wrong words. Just continue to be caring, kind, and considerate and you will succeed as a nurse! Props to you for having compassion. You have the nursing gift!
Mrow. Lisaboo that is such a hard thing to do. Just watching shows like Grey’s Anatomy kill me in that sense, and reading some of the above comments, I realized how death really does impact us. I have always been affected by death from afar — my grandfather dying in the hospital all the way down in Virginia, after being in the hospital for over a month; my great-grandmother dying, who I barely knew. The one that killed me the most was my dog. As awful and terrible as that sounds, that the others didn’t affect me that much, my dog was the most beautiful soul I’ve ever known. He was 14 and had cancer; we knew for months he would have to go soon. One day we went to the vet’s and were told we had to put him down. My Dad wanted to do it that day to put him out of his misery. I wanted more time. We spent the next three days with him, and they were some of the saddest days of my life. He got put down with all of us around him — I held him in my lap and felt his last breath, his last heartbeat, and finally his muscles relax. To feel a life go is such a paradoxical, scary thing.
Mrahh sorry to get all droopy woopy on you g-frand <3 if that depresses you more please virtually smack me on fb and I'll bake you cookies
Katelyn @ Chef Katelyn recently posted..Java & Justin’s
as a med student, I totally feel you! I want to cry just thinking about a classmate whose dad has a neurodegenerative disease and may give out anytime soon…its like in a movie where someone is strapped on with a bomb that could go off anyone soon…
And my heart completely melted when I shadowed in peds ER and saw a three year old with a stroke…and another twenty three month old infant who was sexually abused… ( and realized i DONT want to do peds even though I love kids. Cases like that were just TOO MUCH to hand emotionally)
Anyway, but I’ve realized that even though we decided on the health professions because we all empathize with patients for the most part, and all want to touch that aspect of their lives: their health….we have to make sure to maintain that right amount of empathy: enough to empathize and CARE, but not.too much where it negatively affects OUR own well being and compromises our ability to take care of them. It is our job to take care of the.patients and.the patients’ families’ physical and emotional well being, so we have to be strong enough for them to lean on!!
Who are they going to lean on when they cant count on the ppl who are supposed to.take care of them?
These are just my thoughts and some things I’m learning as a first year med student. so I do not mean to say it in a condescending or preaching tone, because this is NOT something I have mastered…and I realize my understanding and experience in the medical field is very limited, we’re not even done with our first semester of med school!!
….but keep your chin up trooper!
Tiffany @ texan on the run recently posted..cuteness overload
Ps sorry this was typed on a phone so there are done terrible grammatical mistakes, I swear I’m not as dumb as that mssg sounds lol
Tiffany @ texan on the run recently posted..cuteness overload
SOME*
Gees, sorry!
Tiffany @ texan on the run recently posted..cuteness overload
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. My grandmother passed away about 3 hours ago, and it kills me that she went downhill too quickly for me to leave school to hold her hand in the end with my parents. As you wrote about, she slipped away with family all around her, I couldn’t ask for a better way for Him to take her. The greatest thing I keep thinking, is that people only truly leave us when we stop remembering them. I know in my heart that my grandmother will always be a part of me: from her little mannerisms that I’ve caught myself doing to her sayings (“you just NEVER know what could happen”) that I find popping out of my mouth… I know she is with me. My family and I have been blessed with those little pieces of her to carry with us in our hearts, and Knowing that makes it a little easier to handle. Death is a beautifully hard part of life, thank you for your beautiful words.
Rachel recently posted..Adventures
Lisa, this post is beautiful. Death is one thing I never let myself think about because it does depress me. I’ve never lost anyone I’ve been super close to and worry that it means I’m ‘due’ for something to happen to someone I love. Hearing your viewpoint on the subject felt peaceful, instead of scary. Thanks for writing this.
Brittany (A Healthy Slice of Life) recently posted..Back At It!
I’ve been a NICU nurse and now nurse practitioner for the past 5.5 years, and I’ve seen many babies die. The worst part is always talking to the family because generally the scientific/rational/objective part of me knows that it’s best for the patient to pass away. The emotional/empathetic part feels the pain that those parents and grandparents feel about losing their child. I still tear up during those conversations, and honestly, I don’t want to get a thicker skin. I think it’s OK to show that emotion (without losing it, of course) because it validates how the family is feeling and lets them know that we’re not just focused on numbers and lab values and data; we do see their loved one as a human being.
Good luck in nursing school! We need good nurses.
This was a great post Lisa. I do not think about death often, but I have always felt that I am l like you – able to disconnect and able to handle it. But sometimes things just get to you, and you have to be able to let out your emotions.
My nana is 97, and though she is doing fine, I know she does not have a lot of time left. I know it will be hard when she passes, as she has been such an inspiration to me and my constant positive influence my entire life, but at the same time, she has lived a long and happy life, filled with endless love from her family and friends. She will go when she is ready, and in the meantime I will cherish every moment with her
Lindsey @ Happy or Hungry recently posted..The Time I Almost Got Arrested
LOVE YOU!
…. I’ve seen my mom deal with death time and time again with her job. In the ER it’s not as bad, but when I was yonuger she worked in pediatrics and after developing bonds with the patients seeing one pass away was painful… I know I couldnt do it. YOu’re amazing hun and I love that you’re following your dreams
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Wow, I cannot even imagine going through that. Yet, similar to you, M goes through this every day, too, as a nurse practitioner. Some days are harder than others, and I know when he first got into this field, it affected him more than others. And sometimes, there are days he comes home and just seems down, and it’s because he diagnosed someone with leukemia, or with some other similar illness, and it affects you. It naturally does. This field is for the strong, the givers, those that want to help people. It’s one of the things I love most about M, and about people like you in this field, who give their lives, pretty much, to help others. Beautiful post and a reminder to live each day as if it was your last.
jobo recently posted..Sharing where our story begins…
I think this is what is going to make you a great nurse: compassion.
Before he died, I told my grandpa I was going to school to get into nursing. He gave me some priceless words: “nurses who are in it for the money have long faces.”
(shoot, I thought I could write this with dry eyes) I think about all the wonderful people who were there with my grandpa his last few hours and the lone nurse who sat by his side the moment he passed on. I am so grateful for their compassion towards him and my mom and her brother as they dealt with his last moments. ok, now I have to go dry my face.
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Was this post dark and depressing? Yes. Does it remind us that death is inevitable and melancholy and painful and sad and also as natural as all the other parts of our lives? Also yes.
But was it heartfelt, sensitive, and incredibly caring in tone? Absolutely. And that particular quote is one of my favorites. It is probably the only sentiment that comforts me in times of loss.
‘Dee @ ‘Dee’s Garret recently posted..So…Where Were We?
What a great post. Don’t apologize for it being depressing– we all read your blog because of how diverse and honest your posts are! We can’t be all smiley and rainbows and bowls of sparkling oats every day now, can we?
You are right Mallory–we can’t! Thank you.
Thanks for sharing- what a rough time! My grandma passed away this week and I spent time time with her at the hospital and hospice before she passed away. Our whole family was grieving, but we all knew it was time for her to say goodbye and that cancer had ravaged her body too completely for their to be any hope of recovery. It’s just a reminder not to take our days for granted and make them all count for something.
Amanda @ Click. The Good News recently posted..Me & the Girls
Amanda–I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad you could see that it was time and that you and your family were there for her!
This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen you write. Thank you, Lisa.
Jasmine recently posted..Jasmine Myers, Please Stand Up
Thank you Jasmine–means a lot coming from you.
You will ALWAYS be affected by your patients. As a nurse, we have a bond with our patients, no one else gets. Your skin will become thicker for the dip-shit patients and pain in the asses who take for granted your kind heartedness. Don’t let these types of patients make you want to separate yourself, this is what nursing is all about, it sounds like you’ve got nothing to work on to me, keep it up
Megan @ foodiecycles recently posted..Berry Good Party!
And that’s exactly why I wanted to become a nurse–to develop that bond and have the chance to interact with my patients and their families.
First of all, I think you’re an incredibly strong person to go into nursing. My aunt is a nurse, and she has a way with people that a lot of other people don’t. When my grandpa passed away in June, my family had the opportunity to say our goodbyes. Throughout the day, hospice nurses came in and checked on him, and when they switched shifts, we found out that one of them didn’t even know he was in the state that he was. She had to say her goodbye along with us. It was incredibly sad, but it did make us all stronger in the end. I think situations like that will make you stronger, and you’ll get used to it as you continue your career.
Emily @ Perfection Isn’t Happy recently posted..Indy Food Truck Festival
It might not be the most fun or exciting thing to talk about, but it’s important to talk about these things! SO awesome that you have such a big heart to take care of people in this profession.
Alexa @ SimpleEats recently posted..Game Changer
Once again, you amaze me with your ability to bring deep emotions to the surface through your writing. This very post shows you’re going to be an amazing nurse and that you’re on the path to doing what you were meant to do
Jamie aka “Sometimes Healthy” Girl recently posted..There is No Place like Nebraska Syndrome and Tailgating with Donuts
Thanks Jamie! I appreciate it. And love and miss you as always.
In my clinical I experienced my first death. Not so much the during the final stages, but caring for the patient after they had passed. I didn’t feel what I thought I would, but soon realized why. I didn’t see firsthand the family going through those final stages with their loved one. Since then I have experienced the patient coming to the hospital to the final stages of passing, and some times while I can separate my emotions, sometimes I do find myself stopping, taking a moment to think about this life that has just passed, thinking about all the stories the families shared, and knowing that there was just so much more about this life that I didn’t know. Sometimes it doesn’t hit me as hard, but sometimes I need to pause for a moment, collect my thoughts, take a deep breath, and move on. With that said I’ll never forget what one of my instructors said…”you’ll experience some hard things, be faced with situations that you might not be comfortable with, and sometimes you’ll develop bonds with your patients and their family members you will see day after day. When those final moments come, be professional, excuse yourself if you need to (in the case that you can’t keep it together), but know that it’s perfectly normal and acceptable to shed a few tears. It means you are human, shows the family that you cared for their loved one….and in the event that you feel nothing when you witness those final moments, then that is probably a pretty good indication that this isn’t the right field for you anymore.
Kari recently posted..Sidetracked
Kari,
I find it interesting that you posted this comment today. I worked at a hospice facility today and cared for the body about 45 minutes after the man had passed. I removed his catheter and his port before the funeral home came to pick up his body. I was worried about walking into that room knowing how last week affected me. However, this wasn’t the same thing. The family wasn’t there. The patient was alone in the room. All seemed calm. He looked like he had found relief. Dare I say it was peaceful?
I realized that the part I had a hard time dealing with was seeing the grief of the family. It’s a sad thing seeing people hurting so much.
That being said, I really appreciate your thoughtful comment. There’s a lot of wisdom in your words. Thank you.
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