My Story

I’ve gone through many ups and down when it comes to the world of dieting, restriction, and exercise. Some good and some bad.

Let me back up a little. I never had any forms of disordered eating AT ALL growing up. I didn’t diet, I ate fast food and ice cream and I didn’t care. Nor was I overweight. Heck, I didn’t even exercise that much (after 9 years of gymnastics that is). I was what you call skinny fat.

Then, it slowly started going downhill.

I met my boyfriend and saw how in shape and how I thought he was. I noticed the way he worked out, how he ate, when he ate, what exercises he did, etc. I honestly felt inadequate and not “hot enough” for him. He never made me feel that way, but I started feeling very insecure because I felt very much out of his league. Stupid, I know. I started eating some of the things he did and I began lifting. I shed some pounds, started to see a little bit of muscle, and looked great. I was still ok at this point with disordered eating and obsession with my weight, what I ate, etc.

I remember how awful life was when I looked like this. This body was not the body of a happy person. It was the body of someone who was depressed, confused, and conflicted. (By the way–I DONT take pictures of myself like this in the mirror anymore. I constantly took progress pictures when I was in this mindset. I haven’t taken a progress picture in MONTHS. And it feels fantastic. Being happy is now delegated by how I feel about myself and my relationships, not how I look in the mirror).

At that point, I thought I had taken myself as far as I could. I started to not lose weight (bc hello, I HAD NO MORE TO LOSE) and I wanted to see more. I wanted more improvements. I was addicted to improvements. I thought I needed to hire a trainer (Food and workouts) to help me get the PERFECT body.  So, I hired an online coach who deals with fitness/bikini competitors and started training and eating much more hardcore. I ate VERY much according to the clock, drank tons of whey shakes with flaxseed oils, and stuck to a strict training program that outline my workout from strength trainer (reps, sets, days, etc) to cardio (how many days, how long each day, level of intensity each day), etc. This is when it started going downhill for me. I started to feel extreme guilt when I couldn’t stick to a meal plan, major anxiety if my “macros” (i.e. proten, fat, carb grams) didn’t match up to what they were supposed to, more guilt when I didn’t get a workout in. I remember one night I ate an extra apple and had a panic attack because I realized I had consumed 21 more grams of carbs then I was supposed to. I called a friend bawling about how deep I was in. I honestly didn’t know how to get out of it.

It wasn’t shortly after that that I cancelled and quit using my trainer. I knew it was time for me to move forward and break the obsession with numbers, planning, and being perfect. I started reading books like Intuitive Eating and Naturally Thin.

I loved the concept. The change didn’t happen overnight. I began giving myself permission to eat more. To eat things I hadn’t eaten in a year or so. I ate those things—but in my head, I was still berating myself for doing so. I was eating them, but still felt guilt over doing so. This guilt and restriction in my head led me to start binging. I binged for about 6-7 months. I gained weight. I felt depressed. I felt like I was losing no matter what I tried.

I began praying. I prayed each morning that I would be given the strength to respect myself and my body enough to not treat it poorly. To not stuff it with food out of guilt and feeling bad about myself. I prayed that I would begin to love my body as it was.

I began to pay attention to what I was eating. How it tasted. If it didn’t taste amazing, I didn’t eat it. If it did taste amazing, I ate it. Just mindfully. I slowly gave myself enough self-love to respect myself. I slowly realized that eating what I wanted, in moderation, would not cause me to blow up like a balloon. And it was ok. It was ok to eat indulgent things

It was also hard to simply BREAK THE HABIT of planning each meal out to the tee. I know have snacks at work…fruits, veggies, nuts, yogurt, etc. That way when I get hungry at work, I have options. I don’t HAVE to eat something just because it was planned. It was also very hard to stop eating by the clock. No matter what, when 10 AM rolled around I would get the urge to eat. Whether I was hungry or not. I had to fight that urge–and it was hard, trust me. I felt extreme anxiety at first if I didn’t eat when I was “supposed to.” I had brainwashed myself for years that if I didn’t eat protein or if I didn’t eat every 2-3 hours than my body would turn mushy and I would lose muscle. Sometimes I would have to hold myself to my desk so I wouldn’t eat if I wasn’t hungry at designated eating times. It got easier. Everyday it gets easier to listen to my body and do what it’s telling me. But it’s a process. You must be patient and not give up.

I also had a very hard time with the protein rule. For the past 3-4 years, I was eating protein at every single meal. It was one of my number one rules. To break that, I just had to do it. I made myself eat a peanut butter sandwich if that was what I really craving. And after a few weeks of eating whatever I wanted, regardless of macro count, I saw that my body didn’t drastically change and that everything would be ok.

I think I’ve rambled on enough, but I am so passionate about this. I urge anyone who is still obsessed with planning, numbers, weight, and “rules” to think long and hard about their quality of life. Is it worth it? It wasn’t for me. If you are training for a competition, that’s one thing. But I wasn’t. I was trying to be perfect, which doesn’t exist.

Also, please realize that getting back to moderation and not counting etc does not mean that you will be eating junk. I still eat healthy 80-90% of the time. I eat things that are good for my body and make my body feel good. But, If I want some chocolate after lunch, I let myself have it. It’s ok. I strive to eat for health now. Not the scale. I strive to eat things that I know are good for my body…and sometimes, I eat things that are strictly good for the my mind and soul (like apple pie).

For the love of cookies said it best… reading stories of other people who put disordered eating behind them. Watching them go through their struggles, and realizing that I’m not the only one. Also, in taking a step back and looking at how it was affecting my relationships with other people, and how it was completely consuming me. Focusing a little every day on my strong points. Combating negative thoughts of myself with positive ones. Spending more time with my friends and family, rather than secluding myself and closing myself off from the world. Forgoing the mindset that certain foods were “bad” or “good”. I stopped weighing myself. I stopped trying to force myself to fit into certain clothes when I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I stopped posting in fat loss forums, and I started taking time for me.

If you are still in the place of the planning, counting, obsessing, experiencing guilt, disordered eating then I urge you to step out of it. Really look at your situation. For a long time, I was oblivious to the fact that I was going down this path. I thought I was living healthy. But, what I didn’t realize was that health encompasses your mind and happiness as well.

Read books like Intuitive Eating and read blogs that exhibit healthy behaviors. Your mind will slowly begin to change for the better. But, you must be patient and do not give up on the process.